Crappy post

Alright, it's been some time since my last update. How's London? (Most people was asking me this question) Well, sometimes I just don't feel like I am in London except when I passed through the London landmark (Big Ben and London Eye) maybe one or twice in a week? Coz I will only go to Central of London once in a while. So nothing much about London yet. =)

Actually I don't have much to talk about, my life is nothing much special. Today, I learned about changes in organisation today and most people don't like those changes and they feel stress. Know what, I basically hate changes, changes in any aspect: life, studies, relationship, job, etc. Well, I know I still can adapt to these changes after some time, like what I did now, but I just don't like changes. Changes made me feel uncertain and insecure, everything need to be reset. But, changes are inevitable and unavoidable, so finger cross everything will be fine!

I admit that I am a person who think too much, sensitive, narrow minded, emotional, stubborn, taking things personally, most importantly, a person who dare not speak out my mind in a group disucssion. I don't know why I just don't have the confidence and courage to speak out loudly in a group, I wish my brain has unlimited flow of ideas/critical thoughts, I wish I can just speak out what I think and what I want. It's so difficult for me to really engage and enjoy a group discussion and most of the time group work stressed me up. All I know is to conform and to agree, loser!

Sometimes, I blame my earlier education where we don't really given the chance to speak out what we think. Teachers don't encourage questioning, we just need to listen to teachers, did what they said. When we doubt and question about something, we got punished. We memorize model essay to write a good essay, we did 10, 20, 30 times of correction of the same question without knowing the reason why. We read from the book, we did not explore the environment around us, what we knew is how to study in order to get straight As. You know what, primary school until master level, the most stressful study period for me is during primary school. I was not in control of everything, I was just a study machine.

But it is not the case now, I have the control, I am free to speak out what I want, I found it is so hard to speak out, so hard to think critically, so hard to critize a journal article. Basically I just agree with everything, I just think what people said is right, I don't know how to spot out mistakes and flaws. Goshhh..... I just need more confidence and courage and braveness. PLEASE!

I know this is a crappy post, just let me release everything out, alright?

Not well

I think I am not well now, falling sick I guess, and feeling stress.

I never thought of studying could be this stress. Last time felt stress because of deadlines and workload, but all that are still manageable. I feel so different this time, I don't have the enough knowledge about business world, I feel so inferior and not confident especially in a group discussion, I just kept quiet all the time, because I don't know what to say. No more common sense, no more crapping.

Well, just a short post, gonna go home soon!

Aza-aza Fighting

Hello to everyone... I'm back in UK finally, but why does UK seems so unfamiliar to me? To be specific, London is so unfamiliar to me. Things are not going smooth here: I couldn't move in to my new place on the expected date, I run away to Sheffield because basically I have no one to look upon in London, I have trouble moving things from Sheffield to London, etc. Sigh =(

I wish I am home now, I wish I am with my family and friends now, how I wish, I wish... But there's no turning back, I have to move on and I know I will be moving on. Things around are harsh to me, I know it's tough, at times I just want to cry everything out. I try my best to hold my tears because people told me there's nothing to be cried about. But crying is just to make myself feel better, after crying, I wiped off the tears and I move on.

Keep telling myself don't be afraid and everything is gonna be fine! There's obstacles but they are not going to stop me from moving forward, I thought of giving up sometimes but I will not give up so easily. Nothing could beat me, I will stand firm and stay strong and survive because that's who I am!

Aza-aza fighting Dolly!!!

Bye Sheffield

It's my last night here in Sheffield and I am having complicated feelings. Even though this place is kinda boring and not much entertainment, I've been here for two years. I experienced many things here:happy, sad, angry, disappointment, etc. Many things have happened, many things have changed, and I have grown up alot here. Still remember the first day I reached here, everything is so strange for me, I was so nervous and lonely, but things got better and better.

Been busy packing for the past few days, thanks to Hwan Cui who helped me out these few days and be my companion when everyone is away from here. It's always glad to have someone to help you out when you need help. Sheffield is so quiet without students around, everyone went home and the environment+weather=lonely+sad. Well, I might have the chance to come back and visit, but everything will be different as most friends will not be here anymore.

"Remember walking up and down the hill in the freaking cold weather. Remember burning midnight oil for essays, dissertation, and exams. Remember wanted to walk up the hill to see sunrise at 4am. Remember baking and cooking were so fun. Remember going exam in the snow and the celebration after exams. Remember the shopping spree and dimsum time, and walking in the chilling weather experiencing the christmas feel. Remember drink and drunk, crapping and crying at the same time..." Too many things to be remembered, too much memories, and those memories will be one of the sweetest moment in my life, I will never forget...

Bye Sheffield, miss you and all my buddies here!

Life.Update

Well, didn't update my blog for quite some time, been busy with my graduation, application, parents visit, etc. Finally I am back in Sheffield, but I am going back Malaysia in two days time. Just came back from Europe trip with my family, been to Italy, Luzern, and Paris.

Time flies man, I've graduated and I am going back home soon. Everything that happens is just yesterday, when I was sitting here rushing for dissertation, burning midnight oil for exam; but now I am packing, ready to go home. My graduation day is not as excited as what I thought, firstly because of the weather, it's been raining for the whole day and I've no mood to take photos around the uni. Sigh, the weather in UK, unpredictable! Secondly, everything was too rush and I was too tired. Third reason is something which couldn't meet my expectation.

Travelled to some places during this summer holidays and I think travel could be very enjoyable at the same time very tiring. People said one'e perspective will be wider after travelling because you experience different lifestyle, you meet different people in different countries. I sorta agree with this because when you go to more places, you will realize the world is so big, and I am only a little tiny dot in the world. Nothing is perfect and not everything can satisfy our needs that's why I am learning to adapt, adapt to different people and different environment.

I've always feel grateful and glad with what I have now. I feel grateful to my parents because they are the one who give me the chance to experience the different world. I shouldn't ask for more, I should be satisfy with what I have and who I am now.

Okay, feel abit dizzy now, shall update again soon! Take care everyone!

Lovely Birthday Pressie

Whee~ I should post this last week, but was busying with my exam! The most touching and lovely belated birthday present this year! All the way from Malaysia from my dearest Dao Yong ah kong!!!

~He's amazing~

Thanks Mr. Lim for the lovely pressie, it means alot to me, and keep me motivated during my exam period!!!

Inferior Fish

Okay, I am sort of done with everything: dissertation, assignments and exams! Hopefully I gonna graduate successfully with flying colors.

Done?! That's what I've been waiting for, but I am not that excited and happy as what I've expected. Travel, I've been looking forward to travel somewhere since I haven't step out from UK this year. But, why I don't feel the excitement of travelling like when I first came here? What's wrong with me?

One year can change many things, and I realize that is life! Maybe when you ask me two years in UK, when is my happiest moment? I would definetely say it's my first year here, when I was being who I was. I found great friends, I have wonderful travelling days, I was alone but not lonely, and days with tears and laughters. This year, my life is dull and boring, studying and rushing for assignments and I become social phobic. I don't have the heart to know new friends, don't want to talk to the people I don't know, and I prefer to stay away from the crowd. I feel so uncomfortable when accidentally bumped into people I sort of know/don't know in a public place.
I think people just will have the impression that I am anti-social. "Dolly likes to club? Don't joke, I think she never went to club before!" LOL... I think only my JM and housemate know exactly how's our life back home.

Know what, last nite was talking with my kai ka lou through msn, we didn't hear each other voice for about two years, and last nite was really happy to talk to him and sing together! He was asking me "How are you? Are you okay?" Well, I told him and many people that I don't have confident in most things nowadays, I felt inferior easily especially when I made a silly mistake. I am not confident with my result and not confident with myself. One stupid thing can make me ruminate for days, and I don't even know what's the point of caring so much and think so much? Be more selfish okay? Don't always think of how other people look at you okay? Don't give them a damn! Just don't give them a damn!

But, how sweet is my kai ka lou to sing me my favourite song recently, missing the days sing k with you! Because of want to sing k and hang out with you, I might change my air ticket to earlier date so that I can meet up with you before you go back to US, how great I am! Thanks Carol for reminding me don't be too soft and let people step up on me! I got it! =D

Bless me to stay strong and stay confident! Boost my self-esteem please! Bless me so I could get 2:1 and graduate successfully!!!