Missing Mamak

Arghh... I am burning the midnight oil again for my 30% essay. Everytime I burn the midnight oil, it will automatically reminds me about mamak, and I miss mamak a lot. Someone please tell me "Why UK don't have mamak?" Imagine imagine, maggie goreng tambah telur mata kerbau and milo ais kao kao kao. Wow! It's so tempting man, especially the hungry me in this cold weather rushing for assignments. Looking at my essay, I am gonna to emo soon, very soon. The only way I can escape from that is imagine I am in the mamak. I often have the stupid crazy conversation and imagination with a friend in UK too, imagine we go for mamak:

"Let's go mamak!"

"Okay, but need to buy air ticket first, I'll see you in subang two days later."

"Where to meet in Subang?"

"Erm, let's meet in asia cafe first, then just decide where to go."

Well, it sounds crazy, and both of us know we are crazy, blame the assignment, we do assignment until crazy. We could have tat kind of imagination because we actually go to mamak at 3 am in uptown when I done with my assignment back in Malaysia, and that's normal for us. Yet, I found the crazy conversation is funny and motivating...

Since don't have mamak, I post some pictures of food I took in Antibo and Hwan Chui's house during our Asians psychology students gathering:

~Starter-->Scampi~

~Pasta~

~This is Hui Yiang's one~

~Tasha's pizza~

~Nice Tiramisu~

~Another dessert~

~Hwan Chui's house~

~Sheffield's night view from the hill~

~It's so cold and windy up the hill~

The end

Actually I never expect his words still have any impact on me until that day. That's the warmest and most comfortable conversation I had with him in this two years. Before that, I thought I already let go what I should let go, and already forgive him for whatever happened; but actually I am not, there is still something inside my heart, which I couldn't totally let go all this time. However, everything ends by yesterday, it's a real end this time, and it's another new beginning. I don't know how to describe the conversation we had, but I sort of relief, from something, which prevent me for moving forward all this while. He understand me for sure, knowing I am always that stubborn and will not allow myself to lose, never admit I am wrong where at the end I was the one who suffer from all these.

Sorry to him, all this while I was blaming him for create another dolly which isn't dolly:afraid of this and that, sensitive, emotional, phobias, pessimistic, paranoid. It wasn't his fault after all, it's me choose to trap in my own world, is me choose to trap in those negative thoughts. I have no rights to blame him, whatever happened it's not all his fault, I have responsibility also; is he actually make me grow. "Be soft"-->is what he told me. Yeah, being tough all the time is tired, sometimes express the true me also not bad.

As time goes, things changed and so do people. Many things is just out of my control, I couldn't stop the changes, so, just accept it, to let everything and everyone be what they should be. He told me to be open, don't hold on to something too tight. 执着，有时真的很辛苦。

I wondering why I will listen to him? Perhaps he changed too, to more mature. Or perhaps the way he told me I can feel is sincere, and he was gently telling me all about myself, kindly advise me, seriously, no hard feelings at all! I appreciate it a lot, thanks! As you said, we are good friends, thus, whatever happened just let it go; continue with our own life, searching for our own happiness. You woke me up, from a long long sleep, pull me up from the dream. Everything is just over, it's new chapter of life. I will totally let go I promise, I will not let anything stopping me for moving on. I couldn't find back to the innocent me, but I will be a cheerful and happy gal I used to be. I wish you have a happy and wonderful life too!

“我知道我的痛是你给的承诺”，但从今以后，再也不是了！因为那承诺对我来说已经不重要了。承诺已经随着我放开的手一起飞走了，它再也不是我的负担，再也不是我伤心的理由了！
原来放开的滋味是这么舒服，这么轻松，如释重负！放手，也未必是一件坏事，至少还能找回自己！

Trip to Newcastle

Been in the lab for the whole afternoon with cognitive tasks which I overuse my brain to think, to think and to think. Supposedly doing my lab report now, but I am so sick with it, so just let me use "refreshing my mind" as an excuse to procrastinate for a while.

Went to Newcastle during the weekend, nothing much to write here, so just post up some photos I took:

~This is what we had during lunch. Guys, don't show off of Jogoya, I had mussels too~

~Nice bridge but gloomy weather~

~Erm, facial emotions not match with the weather~

~The sky is the main point in this pictures. Btw, I ain't fat, melvin~

~Same thing, I want the scene only :p~

~My first time clubbing in UK---> GONE!~

~In the train with Pricilla, way back to Sheffield~

More pictures will be uploaded in facebook. Anyway, thanks to the host! Seems there are so many first time from this trip. And Pricilla, be careful next time when you alone in the train to or back from newcastle after what we have experienced that night. "Berhati-hati dengan orang yang sengaja langgar kami". I am glad I have you as companion.. Thanks..

Life

I have no idea why am I blogging here since I have so many assignments waiting for me, but I just feel like blogging, that's why I am here.

Existentialism
Today, I just feel I am so existential, talking so much about life with my friends. I have no idea what Victor Frankl mentioned about his existential view of life, the only thing I could remember is he somehow discovered the meaning of live in somewhere like a prison? (Kalvin, tell me more about him, cause he is your idol). I think, everyone screwed up with their life once in a while. Perhaps pain makes us grow?

No one is perfect in this world, so does life. People have different point of view, different thoughts, and the different view of life. Something which seems not important to you might be the most important thing for him. All of us will think that commit suicide is the most stupid thing in this world. I didn't say it is a right thing to commit suicide, after all, it's still unacceptable. But come to think of that, do we really understand how the person feels which make him thought of suicide? We don't! We don't know how suffer he is. At that moment, he is weak, self-esteem is low, if you scold him stupid, I guess it will only decreases his self-esteem, he will think that he is such a failure and useless, everyone is disappointed at him, living is just meaningless. After all, he just need someone who understand him, stay beside him, makes him feels he is not alone in this world, and kindly tell him suicide is not the good way of solving all the problems.

Empathy? Understanding?
I don't really know how to show empathy to other people, I don't know how to be understanding. I am learning now, to be empathy and understanding. Somehow, I realize dealing with silence is a good method when people come to you with their problems. You don't need to talk much, and they will automatically tell you what's inside their heart. Maybe after expressing their feelings, they will feel better. Sometimes, people just need someone to listen to them, let them complain, let them mumble, just let them express what they feel. After that, give them a warm hug, tell them everything gonna be alright.

Addicted with "private practice" recently. A psychiatrist in the series helped a lot of people overcome psychological problems, but at the same time she is screwing up herself with her relationship problems. We are human, so do a psychiatrist, my friend told me he is fucked up, everyone of us fucked up once in a while, so what?

Perhaps to show this is life, our life.

Expectation and disappointment?

These two days, I think a lot, about the decision I made.
Did I make the wrong decision? Did I? Many times, I told myself I didn't.
I like my uni here, I like my course here, I like my lecturer here, I like the environment here, I like the lifestyle here...

BUT

Why is there still a pain in my heart when somebody mention bout AU?
Why I can only find the comfort and happiness when I am online?
Who should I share my feelings to?

I tried to be defensive, tried to be cold-blooded, tried to be a person who don't care about everything. At last, I still feel disappointed, I still feel the pain... Somebody told me don't expect too much, just let people be who they want to be, just accept who they are. Yeah, I expect too much, that's why I got more disappointments in return.

When there is expectation, there might be a disappointment!

I am tired, tired and sick of all these, give me a break, to put down the public mask...
The road isn't smooth; it's tough. But, I still need to get over this tough moment. Cheers Dolly!

Reinforcements

Finally, done with my essay and report, the feeling is great, relief for a while...
Another lab report is due in two weeks time, continue working. Arghh...

I found a lot of reinforcement recently, to give me motivation to work hard:

1.Planning to visit Manchester. Then might go to Liverpool or somewhere near, coz I don't want to stay in Sheffield all the time. Then then, might go to visit Ming Keong in Leeds and have a "eating" trip. Perhaps will go to Newcastle looking for Biotech if he is free, then at the same time pass the presents to him so he could bring to Adelaide for my "parents". Thanks ya..

2.Winter Break! Swiss trip with my hometown friends! Then going to portsmouth to kacau Shean Wei, and might celebrate new year in London! Yay, it's seem fun!

3.Going to Australia during the summer break, pay a visit to Melvin and Michele in Adelaide cause I heard Carol , Florence and Aunty Lucy will be going over too! Then, might go to brisbane?

4.Heard that there are few new shopping malls in KL--->The Garden and Pavilion, and it's nice and huge? So, Melvin and I decided to shop crazily back in Malaysia. Seems far from now yet time flies.

5.Back to Malaysia, delicious food: char kuey-tiaw, maggie goreng, nasi lemak, nasi berlauk, nasi dagang, roti canai, lok-lok, milo ice, "big-head" drink, and more and more and more... Oh, I miss the food so much!

6.Most supportive factor and reinforcement: my family! Yay, can see my parents, my sister and my cousins... dinner, tea-time, clubbing, sing-k, supper... Wow!!!

Perhaps most of them are still in the planning stage, and reinforcement 3-6 it's like still a long long time to go, but as I said, time flies, especially here.. Nevermind, it's still a reinforcement for me, to keep me motivated and cheerful all the time. Whenever I think of that, energy burst out and I am happy!

Study and assignments

It's 4.02 am in the morning, and suprisingly I still awake doing my assignments. It's been a long time I never burn the midnight oil for assignments. Though I am still stuck with my working memory essay, and is only half-way on my lab report, I am still energetic and motivated of doing that. At the same time, I must be thankful to some people who keep me awake throughout the long night especially those in US, Canada, and of cross in Malaysia. Peggy, I have a great chat with you honestly, my stress all gone when I chat with you and it's like so funny and relaxing, you cheer me up, and I feel very comfortable chatting with you. Darling, stop watching movie and let's burn the midnight oil together, as usual, last-minute work, like what we did in your house last time with Mcd. And Dao Yong, thanks for listening to my mumbles, and the advice and support you gave me.

Well, talking about study... I am not a hardworking person obviously since high school I guess? I cannot sit still with my books for hours, I need to move around, study for one hour, then find something to eat, continue study, then eat again. I like to give myself positive reinforcement, and I will work harder if there is reinforcement. Last time, when I finish my assignment late at night, I will call up my friend for supper, of cross went to my favourite mamak for maggie goreng and milo ais. It could be 3am or even 5 am in the morning. Not a big deal, as long as I am happy when I done with my work, reinforcement, that's me, that's the way I study. Burn the midnight oil, is common, at least for my "psycho" friends and me, we did it most of the time, but we know, we are going to finish up our work and pass it up on time, so who cares when you start doing it? (sounds sarcastic, quote from finny).

So now, no more mamak, but I still can find my reinforcement, emm, perhaps travelling or visit a friend, at least there's some motivation. I ain't smart, but I just have my own method of study. Besides study, I think there is still lots of thing we can do, to explore the world around, to experience the different thing, then you will look wider, knowlegde is not just from the book. When you experience different thing in life, you will have a different view of life. If one day, you ask me what is psychology? I told you is about Freud's psychoanalytical theory, is about the unconscious mind, is about the forbidden thoughts and psychosexual, is about the oedipal complex.........then what will you answer me?

Okay, continue working~

四叶草

四叶草

是幸运之草，

有人说，
如果你找到它，

你很幸运，

幸运，

是在于它很难找，

是在于它的数量有限。

这世上，

四叶草不多，

所以，

很多人都想拥有四叶草，
因为，
物以稀为贵。

人，就是这样，

一直在寻找很难得到的东西，

往往就会忽略，

身边的一切。

因为得来容易，

所以不懂得珍惜，

等到失去了，

才学会去珍惜。

与其去追寻遥不可及的东西，
不如学会珍惜身边的人和物，

不要等到失去了，

才知道要去珍惜，

或许，

一切都太迟了，

后悔也没用了。

朋友，
停下来，

看看身边，

或许，

他一直都在你身边，

只是你没留意而已。

p/s: A short post, so somebody will not complain he needs longer time to read it... see, I am so understanding!

I miss them

Today's lecture mentioned about automaticity activity: tying shoelaces, I thought of my sister and my brother. After that, my mind started to fly away from the lecture hall to the time I spend with my sister and brother. Oh well, it's my brother who teach me how to tie shoelaces, step by step patiently. I still remember how protective my brother was: a kid make me fell down from the bicycle and injured, I went home with tears, my brother saw it and immediately went to the kid's house and scolded him for making his sister injured. Everytime when I was hurt or fear, my brother is the first one to hug me, to bring me out of dangerous. The same thing goes to my sister, she loves and cares of me a lot, when my mother tried to beat me, she will stay in front of me so my mom couldn't beat me. When my parents bought present for us, she will let me choose first, she will always give me the best thing.

~Sister's wedding~

As we grow up, the bond between my sister and me grow stronger, and I know she plays an important role in my life. The year she went to UK, I cried terribly, and I felt that she was far far away from me, I just felt lonely. When I started my college life in KL, I stayed with my sister, we get even closer after that, we often go shopping together, clubbing, and also the tea-time and "yam cha" time. Sometimes she will mumble at me like a mom for coming home late, for going clubbing, but I know she cares of me. In contrast, my brother and I have less topic to talk as we grow up especially when he went to Australia. It's about 5 years he stayed in Aus, and I only able to see him once a year, the most twice a year. But, he still concern about my life, my studies, my future. When I want to make decision between UK and Aus, he always gives me advice and support whatever decision I made.

~Bro, sis and me~

My sister and brother are the perfect role model for me. Both of them are strong and tough, they taught me a lot about life and people. When I was down and weak during national service, my sis told me "hope is given by yourself, not others, as long as you are still breathing, there is a hope, don't give up." And this phrase of words actually give me an unexpected power and motivation to continue walking no matter how tough the road is. Before I depart to UK, my brother told me "stay strong, we are the same, as long as there is air, we can survive!"

I know I can continue with my life no matter how tough it is, I know I will succeed one day. That is because the supports and encouragements they give me! I am proud of them and I know one day they will be proud of their sister too!

I miss them a lot, for no reason!