Happy Holiday

It's holiday! Opps.. Not really holiday yet, but I am going for holiday tomorrow! That means I miss two lectures, sigh! I am tired, I am exhausted, but still, I am leaving Sheffield by tomorrow no matter how. And I think it is a busy and pack holiday, bless me got time to study!

Time flies, about 3 months here, the end of semester one in UK! Wow~ Whatever happened just like yesterday. Still remember the day I left, all the nervousness, uncertainty is still so clear and so alive in my mind. But I started to love here, love to be in Sheffield, I don't know why, everything just happen naturally...

Okay, will be temporary off for holiday. Will be back on 29th Decemeber I suppose!

For those going back home, enjoy your warmest and sweetest moment at home!
For those going travel, enjoy your trip and have a pleasant and safe trip!

Happy Holiday Everyone~~ Merry Christmas and Happy new year 2008!

It's this season

It's winter here, weather getting colder and colder, hearts around are even colder. It's an emo and depress season, people seem to be emotional recently. Feeling which could not be describe, hoping someone out there to share the feeling, but sometimes it's hard to find someone to talk to, I know it's hard. But hard doesn't mean don't have, eventually there is a right person to talk to.

Travelling seems nice, but I wondering why it couldn't chill me up? Seeing people going back home is the worst feeling in the holiday. It's not we couldn't back home, is we choose to stay. Tears drop out without you realizing, memories flash into your mind, it's like a dream, like a movie. Trying to get drunk, hoping it could numb the pain. As I said, get drunk is a temporary escape from the reality, from the problems. After all, we'll be having HOPE, hoping to get over this difficult period, hoping to go back in half year time, hoping to gather again, hoping to have another sweet moment.. Yeah, hoping!

Walking down the city in this freezing cold weather, the city at night seems lonely, perhaps there are many lonely hearts there. Happening life doesn't mean you are not lonely. Sometimes loneliness could be even greater when you are in a crowd. Study abroad seems happy and enjoy to most of the people. I should be glad then. But, who truly understand the feelings of international students? Bunch of misses and worriness, who knows? Life would never be easy, so does life in oversea.

Hoping all my friends can go through this tough period! We lost once in a while, but I am sure we could find our way! Blessing everyone stays strong and move on! Cheers~

Freaked up

Holiday is coming soon!! Supposedly I should feel happy because I am going to Swiss, London and Porstmouth, but don't know why I don't have any exciting feel, seriously I don't have! Maybe I just need a good rest in the beginning of holiday, maybe I just prefer to stay in my room, spending some time by myself. My schedule is pack in the beginning of holiday, but it becomes empty after that, luckily somebody is visiting UK in January, and that's the only thing I looking forward for my holiday. I am lazy and not in a mood of socializing and dealing with people recently, I just need time for solitude.

Human is hard to be understand. It's hard to undersand yourself, and it is even harder to find someone who understand you. Behind the smiley face, who knows what a person actually feels? Do you really think you live for yourself in this world? I think we should live for ourselves but not for other people, but apparently it is impossible to live only for yourself. We try to be happy because we don't want others to feel unhappy. We learn to be tough because we don't want the people around worry about us. We comforting others, we trying to give others hope and support because we don't want to see others feel down. But then, are we happy? Could we be tough all the time? Or when you trying to comfort others, you also hope others to comfort you at the same time? I am just doubting, doubt about what happened around us.

A friend called, we talked for about an hour. And I realize we have the similar feel, we experienced the same thing, and we looking forward for the same thing. We screwed up sometimes, we feel lost and we doubt about the thing we are doing, the life we are going through. When I screwed up, I talked to him; when he screwed up, he talked to me, we are supporting and comforting each other so that we could move on with our life. Still remember what he told me "look at the mirror dolly, you're just lost, find back yourself, I believe you can." I am glad to have some good friends beside me, to hold me when I fall, to pull me back the track when I was lost. I know it doesn't matter when others being harsh to me, when the life is challenging me, because I know no matter how I still have you all, no matter how you all will be my side to give me supports and everything. Same thing goes to you my dear friend, I am here to listen to you whenever you need someone to talk to (no matter what time). Remember, you're not alone. Though we can't talk quite often, as you said "friendship is not about distance and proximity, our hearts bring us close to each other."

Relationship between people is complicated, especially romantic love relationship. Recently I heard a lot, I see a lot, and all these are freaking me up, why some f*cking people can betray relationship just like that? Haha.. Perhaps human are cold blooded, when a party change the target, when a party decide to quit, it's GAME OVER. Relationship is so fragile, so weak and it could change within one day. People have a lot of excuses to explain why they betray the relationship. As I said, EXCUSES!! I think it is better to keep you mouth shut rather than come out with those lame EXCUSES which you claim they are REASONS! All these make me scare to involve in a relationship, because I scare one day my trust will burst into pieces, whatever shit promises will turn into a knife and cut into my heart. Tell me I am paranoid, tell me I think too much, but all these are just freaking me up. I have no idea why am I so angry, perhaps some people are just hurting my friends.

Okay, I am tired, I am trying to be understanding of people around me; but sometimes I need people to understand me too. I just hope somebody out there can lend their ears for me, let me mumble and complain, then tell me "nevermind, everything will be fine, just speak out everything you wish to say, I'll be your dustbin." Hahaha...

I know this post is quite long and sorry if anyone of you find it very irritating. I am not emo-ing, I am just throwing out the "rubbish" which stuck in my mind. I feel better now! Uh-Huh...

Clubbing?!

It's 3.42am UK time, I just came back from library. It's friday night, seeing the people came out from clubs or pubs when I was on my way back home. People having fun, people get high, people get drunk, all of these scenes remind me of those nights, when I was in the club with my "kaki clubbing". Hahaha... Those days, clubbing seems like a reinforcement, we rush for our assignment before clubbing, and well, we are so efficient in doing assignment before clubbing, is a MUST to finish it. I won't be early in club, definetely won't, I don't know why...

Yet, it's weekend here and I was in the library, so pathetic and so unlike me. I don't club here because I don't have much kaki, I don't have the right feel, I don't know where to go, and I prefer stay in the library..

These were those days:

~Ladies *Maison~

~Zouk~

~I miss you guys~

~Zouk~

~Guess this is my last clubbing before I came here~

I miss those times, when we have fun, when we get drunk, when we did something silly, when we emo, when we cried, when we comfort each other, when we hugging each other.. Everything everything will become our endless topic for days, weeks or even months...

Clubbing, to me, is about the right people, right feeling, nice atmosphere, and comfortable environment. Without all these, clubbing is meaningless and is just a social activity.

Look at the SKY!

~The best place to look at the sky--> Kelana Jaya~

Recently, I like to look at the sky, the sky changes everyday and will never be the same. Sometimes the sky looks gloomy, sometimes the sky looks sunny, sometimes it's just a mixture of everything. And the changes of sky is kind of unpredictable. Sky makes me think of life!

We are thinking about life all this while, and perhaps our life changes everyday as well? I think so, you won't repeat the thing you are doing now in the future. Just one time, an event only occur once in our life. You might say you are doing the same thing everyday: going to uni, eating, doing assignment, walking, sleeping... But there must be some differences: feelings are different, the people walking around you are different, the cars passing by are different, different date, different time, etc... Since everything happens only once in our life, why not we appreciate what we have now, why not we appreciate every moment, every second, everything and EVERYONE in our life. We will never know what is going to happen next second, why must we regret after something happens? Perhaps this is life, life will never be perfect. But why can't we just appreciate everything and everyone? Why?!

Now, I learn to appreciate, appreciate every moment, appreciate everyone, and appreciate my life. If everyone has a choice over his/her life, why not we choose to appreciate our life? I admit I take things for granted previously, I thought people treat me nice is a must and I don't need to appreciate them or whatsoever. I never appreciate people who treat me nice and kind before, NEVER! That's why I lost so much and regretted so much. Nevermind, is not too late to learn to appreciate now!

Today, the sky was beautiful and I told my sister about that. She told me she likes to look at the sky too when she was in UK. She said looking at the sky, she realize the world is big and wide, and we are just a tiny part in this world. So, don't overlook the problems we are facing now, it's actually a small matter. When you look wider, you will open up your heart as well as your life. Yeah, we are just a small part in this world, why must we let a small matter bothering us for the whole life?! Look wider, look farther, you will realize everything is so different!

~It's sunny in Perth~

~Gloomy sky from Newcastle~

~Sad? Lonely? From Nottingham~

~Beautiful sky, I love this, Sheffield, from my room~

1st of Dec, tired!

It's December 1st, 2007. So fast, it's really fast! First post in December, the feeling is complicated, wondering why. But now, I am tired, especially these few days.. TIRED!

Yesterday night, went to library with Pricilla and Muriel, three of us were study hard in the library. especially Pricilla, she looked so stress... We study hard until didn't realizr it was rainning outside, that's why we need to wait for the bus in rain, freezing cold and tired.

~What are you thinking, Muriel?~

~Stress Pricilla~

~It's about memory again~

I just came back from Nottingham, it was a nice trip actually, but I am tired and sleepy. Because I just slept for not more than 2 hours last nite, why?! Those who knows me will know the reason why. Windy night without taking my dinner, thanks Joan, to keep me warm inside your room, with the cup noodles and instant mushroom soup, especially when I don't feel like staying in my flat.

Life would never be easy, and I personally think that life would never be simple. Some people will just make you automatically mess up your life though you tried hard to live a simple life. Some people are just weird, weird in the sense of I couldn't stand of what they did, at least what they did to me. They aren't hurting me, but sometimes just being too over, is like they did more than what they should do. Just understand your part, do your part, don't do more than that, people will not appreciate it but just find it irritating.

Okay, my brain is shutting down I guess, not functioning well, I am tired...........

p/s: Nottingham photos will be uploaded in facebook.

Missing Mamak

Arghh... I am burning the midnight oil again for my 30% essay. Everytime I burn the midnight oil, it will automatically reminds me about mamak, and I miss mamak a lot. Someone please tell me "Why UK don't have mamak?" Imagine imagine, maggie goreng tambah telur mata kerbau and milo ais kao kao kao. Wow! It's so tempting man, especially the hungry me in this cold weather rushing for assignments. Looking at my essay, I am gonna to emo soon, very soon. The only way I can escape from that is imagine I am in the mamak. I often have the stupid crazy conversation and imagination with a friend in UK too, imagine we go for mamak:

"Let's go mamak!"

"Okay, but need to buy air ticket first, I'll see you in subang two days later."

"Where to meet in Subang?"

"Erm, let's meet in asia cafe first, then just decide where to go."

Well, it sounds crazy, and both of us know we are crazy, blame the assignment, we do assignment until crazy. We could have tat kind of imagination because we actually go to mamak at 3 am in uptown when I done with my assignment back in Malaysia, and that's normal for us. Yet, I found the crazy conversation is funny and motivating...

Since don't have mamak, I post some pictures of food I took in Antibo and Hwan Chui's house during our Asians psychology students gathering:

~Starter-->Scampi~

~Pasta~

~This is Hui Yiang's one~

~Tasha's pizza~

~Nice Tiramisu~

~Another dessert~

~Hwan Chui's house~

~Sheffield's night view from the hill~

~It's so cold and windy up the hill~

The end

Actually I never expect his words still have any impact on me until that day. That's the warmest and most comfortable conversation I had with him in this two years. Before that, I thought I already let go what I should let go, and already forgive him for whatever happened; but actually I am not, there is still something inside my heart, which I couldn't totally let go all this time. However, everything ends by yesterday, it's a real end this time, and it's another new beginning. I don't know how to describe the conversation we had, but I sort of relief, from something, which prevent me for moving forward all this while. He understand me for sure, knowing I am always that stubborn and will not allow myself to lose, never admit I am wrong where at the end I was the one who suffer from all these.

Sorry to him, all this while I was blaming him for create another dolly which isn't dolly:afraid of this and that, sensitive, emotional, phobias, pessimistic, paranoid. It wasn't his fault after all, it's me choose to trap in my own world, is me choose to trap in those negative thoughts. I have no rights to blame him, whatever happened it's not all his fault, I have responsibility also; is he actually make me grow. "Be soft"-->is what he told me. Yeah, being tough all the time is tired, sometimes express the true me also not bad.

As time goes, things changed and so do people. Many things is just out of my control, I couldn't stop the changes, so, just accept it, to let everything and everyone be what they should be. He told me to be open, don't hold on to something too tight. 执着，有时真的很辛苦。

I wondering why I will listen to him? Perhaps he changed too, to more mature. Or perhaps the way he told me I can feel is sincere, and he was gently telling me all about myself, kindly advise me, seriously, no hard feelings at all! I appreciate it a lot, thanks! As you said, we are good friends, thus, whatever happened just let it go; continue with our own life, searching for our own happiness. You woke me up, from a long long sleep, pull me up from the dream. Everything is just over, it's new chapter of life. I will totally let go I promise, I will not let anything stopping me for moving on. I couldn't find back to the innocent me, but I will be a cheerful and happy gal I used to be. I wish you have a happy and wonderful life too!

“我知道我的痛是你给的承诺”，但从今以后，再也不是了！因为那承诺对我来说已经不重要了。承诺已经随着我放开的手一起飞走了，它再也不是我的负担，再也不是我伤心的理由了！
原来放开的滋味是这么舒服，这么轻松，如释重负！放手，也未必是一件坏事，至少还能找回自己！

Trip to Newcastle

Been in the lab for the whole afternoon with cognitive tasks which I overuse my brain to think, to think and to think. Supposedly doing my lab report now, but I am so sick with it, so just let me use "refreshing my mind" as an excuse to procrastinate for a while.

Went to Newcastle during the weekend, nothing much to write here, so just post up some photos I took:

~This is what we had during lunch. Guys, don't show off of Jogoya, I had mussels too~

~Nice bridge but gloomy weather~

~Erm, facial emotions not match with the weather~

~The sky is the main point in this pictures. Btw, I ain't fat, melvin~

~Same thing, I want the scene only :p~

~My first time clubbing in UK---> GONE!~

~In the train with Pricilla, way back to Sheffield~

More pictures will be uploaded in facebook. Anyway, thanks to the host! Seems there are so many first time from this trip. And Pricilla, be careful next time when you alone in the train to or back from newcastle after what we have experienced that night. "Berhati-hati dengan orang yang sengaja langgar kami". I am glad I have you as companion.. Thanks..

Life

I have no idea why am I blogging here since I have so many assignments waiting for me, but I just feel like blogging, that's why I am here.

Existentialism
Today, I just feel I am so existential, talking so much about life with my friends. I have no idea what Victor Frankl mentioned about his existential view of life, the only thing I could remember is he somehow discovered the meaning of live in somewhere like a prison? (Kalvin, tell me more about him, cause he is your idol). I think, everyone screwed up with their life once in a while. Perhaps pain makes us grow?

No one is perfect in this world, so does life. People have different point of view, different thoughts, and the different view of life. Something which seems not important to you might be the most important thing for him. All of us will think that commit suicide is the most stupid thing in this world. I didn't say it is a right thing to commit suicide, after all, it's still unacceptable. But come to think of that, do we really understand how the person feels which make him thought of suicide? We don't! We don't know how suffer he is. At that moment, he is weak, self-esteem is low, if you scold him stupid, I guess it will only decreases his self-esteem, he will think that he is such a failure and useless, everyone is disappointed at him, living is just meaningless. After all, he just need someone who understand him, stay beside him, makes him feels he is not alone in this world, and kindly tell him suicide is not the good way of solving all the problems.

Empathy? Understanding?
I don't really know how to show empathy to other people, I don't know how to be understanding. I am learning now, to be empathy and understanding. Somehow, I realize dealing with silence is a good method when people come to you with their problems. You don't need to talk much, and they will automatically tell you what's inside their heart. Maybe after expressing their feelings, they will feel better. Sometimes, people just need someone to listen to them, let them complain, let them mumble, just let them express what they feel. After that, give them a warm hug, tell them everything gonna be alright.

Addicted with "private practice" recently. A psychiatrist in the series helped a lot of people overcome psychological problems, but at the same time she is screwing up herself with her relationship problems. We are human, so do a psychiatrist, my friend told me he is fucked up, everyone of us fucked up once in a while, so what?

Perhaps to show this is life, our life.

Expectation and disappointment?

These two days, I think a lot, about the decision I made.
Did I make the wrong decision? Did I? Many times, I told myself I didn't.
I like my uni here, I like my course here, I like my lecturer here, I like the environment here, I like the lifestyle here...

BUT

Why is there still a pain in my heart when somebody mention bout AU?
Why I can only find the comfort and happiness when I am online?
Who should I share my feelings to?

I tried to be defensive, tried to be cold-blooded, tried to be a person who don't care about everything. At last, I still feel disappointed, I still feel the pain... Somebody told me don't expect too much, just let people be who they want to be, just accept who they are. Yeah, I expect too much, that's why I got more disappointments in return.

When there is expectation, there might be a disappointment!

I am tired, tired and sick of all these, give me a break, to put down the public mask...
The road isn't smooth; it's tough. But, I still need to get over this tough moment. Cheers Dolly!

Reinforcements

Finally, done with my essay and report, the feeling is great, relief for a while...
Another lab report is due in two weeks time, continue working. Arghh...

I found a lot of reinforcement recently, to give me motivation to work hard:

1.Planning to visit Manchester. Then might go to Liverpool or somewhere near, coz I don't want to stay in Sheffield all the time. Then then, might go to visit Ming Keong in Leeds and have a "eating" trip. Perhaps will go to Newcastle looking for Biotech if he is free, then at the same time pass the presents to him so he could bring to Adelaide for my "parents". Thanks ya..

2.Winter Break! Swiss trip with my hometown friends! Then going to portsmouth to kacau Shean Wei, and might celebrate new year in London! Yay, it's seem fun!

3.Going to Australia during the summer break, pay a visit to Melvin and Michele in Adelaide cause I heard Carol , Florence and Aunty Lucy will be going over too! Then, might go to brisbane?

4.Heard that there are few new shopping malls in KL--->The Garden and Pavilion, and it's nice and huge? So, Melvin and I decided to shop crazily back in Malaysia. Seems far from now yet time flies.

5.Back to Malaysia, delicious food: char kuey-tiaw, maggie goreng, nasi lemak, nasi berlauk, nasi dagang, roti canai, lok-lok, milo ice, "big-head" drink, and more and more and more... Oh, I miss the food so much!

6.Most supportive factor and reinforcement: my family! Yay, can see my parents, my sister and my cousins... dinner, tea-time, clubbing, sing-k, supper... Wow!!!

Perhaps most of them are still in the planning stage, and reinforcement 3-6 it's like still a long long time to go, but as I said, time flies, especially here.. Nevermind, it's still a reinforcement for me, to keep me motivated and cheerful all the time. Whenever I think of that, energy burst out and I am happy!

Study and assignments

It's 4.02 am in the morning, and suprisingly I still awake doing my assignments. It's been a long time I never burn the midnight oil for assignments. Though I am still stuck with my working memory essay, and is only half-way on my lab report, I am still energetic and motivated of doing that. At the same time, I must be thankful to some people who keep me awake throughout the long night especially those in US, Canada, and of cross in Malaysia. Peggy, I have a great chat with you honestly, my stress all gone when I chat with you and it's like so funny and relaxing, you cheer me up, and I feel very comfortable chatting with you. Darling, stop watching movie and let's burn the midnight oil together, as usual, last-minute work, like what we did in your house last time with Mcd. And Dao Yong, thanks for listening to my mumbles, and the advice and support you gave me.

Well, talking about study... I am not a hardworking person obviously since high school I guess? I cannot sit still with my books for hours, I need to move around, study for one hour, then find something to eat, continue study, then eat again. I like to give myself positive reinforcement, and I will work harder if there is reinforcement. Last time, when I finish my assignment late at night, I will call up my friend for supper, of cross went to my favourite mamak for maggie goreng and milo ais. It could be 3am or even 5 am in the morning. Not a big deal, as long as I am happy when I done with my work, reinforcement, that's me, that's the way I study. Burn the midnight oil, is common, at least for my "psycho" friends and me, we did it most of the time, but we know, we are going to finish up our work and pass it up on time, so who cares when you start doing it? (sounds sarcastic, quote from finny).

So now, no more mamak, but I still can find my reinforcement, emm, perhaps travelling or visit a friend, at least there's some motivation. I ain't smart, but I just have my own method of study. Besides study, I think there is still lots of thing we can do, to explore the world around, to experience the different thing, then you will look wider, knowlegde is not just from the book. When you experience different thing in life, you will have a different view of life. If one day, you ask me what is psychology? I told you is about Freud's psychoanalytical theory, is about the unconscious mind, is about the forbidden thoughts and psychosexual, is about the oedipal complex.........then what will you answer me?

Okay, continue working~

四叶草

四叶草

是幸运之草，

有人说，
如果你找到它，

你很幸运，

幸运，

是在于它很难找，

是在于它的数量有限。

这世上，

四叶草不多，

所以，

很多人都想拥有四叶草，
因为，
物以稀为贵。

人，就是这样，

一直在寻找很难得到的东西，

往往就会忽略，

身边的一切。

因为得来容易，

所以不懂得珍惜，

等到失去了，

才学会去珍惜。

与其去追寻遥不可及的东西，
不如学会珍惜身边的人和物，

不要等到失去了，

才知道要去珍惜，

或许，

一切都太迟了，

后悔也没用了。

朋友，
停下来，

看看身边，

或许，

他一直都在你身边，

只是你没留意而已。

p/s: A short post, so somebody will not complain he needs longer time to read it... see, I am so understanding!

I miss them

Today's lecture mentioned about automaticity activity: tying shoelaces, I thought of my sister and my brother. After that, my mind started to fly away from the lecture hall to the time I spend with my sister and brother. Oh well, it's my brother who teach me how to tie shoelaces, step by step patiently. I still remember how protective my brother was: a kid make me fell down from the bicycle and injured, I went home with tears, my brother saw it and immediately went to the kid's house and scolded him for making his sister injured. Everytime when I was hurt or fear, my brother is the first one to hug me, to bring me out of dangerous. The same thing goes to my sister, she loves and cares of me a lot, when my mother tried to beat me, she will stay in front of me so my mom couldn't beat me. When my parents bought present for us, she will let me choose first, she will always give me the best thing.

~Sister's wedding~

As we grow up, the bond between my sister and me grow stronger, and I know she plays an important role in my life. The year she went to UK, I cried terribly, and I felt that she was far far away from me, I just felt lonely. When I started my college life in KL, I stayed with my sister, we get even closer after that, we often go shopping together, clubbing, and also the tea-time and "yam cha" time. Sometimes she will mumble at me like a mom for coming home late, for going clubbing, but I know she cares of me. In contrast, my brother and I have less topic to talk as we grow up especially when he went to Australia. It's about 5 years he stayed in Aus, and I only able to see him once a year, the most twice a year. But, he still concern about my life, my studies, my future. When I want to make decision between UK and Aus, he always gives me advice and support whatever decision I made.

~Bro, sis and me~

My sister and brother are the perfect role model for me. Both of them are strong and tough, they taught me a lot about life and people. When I was down and weak during national service, my sis told me "hope is given by yourself, not others, as long as you are still breathing, there is a hope, don't give up." And this phrase of words actually give me an unexpected power and motivation to continue walking no matter how tough the road is. Before I depart to UK, my brother told me "stay strong, we are the same, as long as there is air, we can survive!"

I know I can continue with my life no matter how tough it is, I know I will succeed one day. That is because the supports and encouragements they give me! I am proud of them and I know one day they will be proud of their sister too!

I miss them a lot, for no reason!

Outcome of procrastination

Should be doing my assignments now, but just keep procrastinate. A 1500 words essay due on next week, two partial lab report due on next week and 2 weeks later. Damn, I can't concentrate on my work at all, maybe it has been a long time I never do assignment, thus, I don't know how to start on my report. I know there are lots of works waiting for me, but I rather sit there and do nothing. There are like a lot of thing stuck in my mind, but I guess most of them are nonsense. But why I prefer to think about nonsense rather than put my effort in something which is more important?!

Time flies, it's about one month in Sheffield. One month, not that long, but leaving Malaysia is like centuries ago. Many things have changed in this one month time: environment, people, life and feelings. Here, I realize life is imperfect, with many ups and downs, and many things are just out of my control. I can't manipulate everything, even if I can manipulate certain thing, there would be other external factors, thus, the result shown is not always what I predicted. Somebody told me, from me, he could see life is imperfect because I told him I was totally screwed up myself and my life on that day I was super down and lost. When everything back to normal, mind is clear, and you realize you need to get up and move forward with a cheerful smile on your face. There must be some moment where your life is gloomy, you don't know what you want, you are lost and blur, perhaps that is what we called identity confusion?

I cried, at the moment when I was weak. So what? Why must I tell myself not to cry; just cry out what I feel, just cry out the feelings suppress in my heart. After crying, wipes away the tears, put a smile on my face, it's another brand new day. Then I tell myself, everything is over, everything gone away with the tears, so just let everything goes. Sigh, when your mind is clear, you can be as realistic as you wish, but when you still trap in the negative feelings, who knows exactly how you feel? No one except yourself. I don't expect others to feel the way I feel, because I myself can't feel the way others feel. For example, if a friend come over me and tell me his problems, his fear, I will automatically told him "I guess you think too much already, chill man, everything gonna be alright, whatever it will happens it will happens, try to be more optimistic, world is not that grey, bla bla bla..." But, I don't know the degree of his anxiousness, I don't know how he feels exactly, because I am not him, and I will never be in his position. Somebody out there, tell me what human actually wants? How can we connect to each other heart by heart, feeling by feeling? Without saying a word, he/she knows what I want? One word, HARD!!! So, human is actually simple like "tabula rasa" or complicated? I don't know.

Okay, I should concentrate in my works, stop procrastinating. There would be a study week next two weeks, study week, will I be studying? Hahaha, hopefully I will. Looking forward for winter break! But, it's still one and half month to go! Bless me this little fish! Cheers!

Great day

I had a great day today. Since Joan told me she was unhappy and feel like shopping, and since I feel like shopping also, so we decided to have a great shop in the city. So so, we met up at 11 am since both of our class ended at 11am. We went to NatWest to take our debit card (sadly we need to wait for the pin number). After that, we went "Wong Ting" for lunch since Ms. Joan said she wanna try out the food there. We had a few dim sum, a set lunch, and a "san ping"... Joan told me the restaurant makes her feel warm, just like in Malaysia (Hopefully your homesick will reduce by having lunch there).

Then we heading to the city and start shopping. Not much shops in Sheffield city, but we seem to enjoy the moment, happily walked around the city for few hours, talking nonsense and non-stop buying. Okay okay, once we got in a shop, saw something we like, thinking whether to buy or not, and convince each other to buy it by using a lot of "excuses" such as "just buy it, we need it anyhow." or "It's cheaper than Malaysia, so just buy it." Joan, you make me spend!!! We said if somebody ask us " both of you are so rich, buy so many things", we should answer in a sarcastic way "who cares, we got the money to buy." (Actually I ain't that rich, but I just have my own freedom right?) Ended up, I bought something. Someone asked me to take picture of what I bought, so I just post here to satisfy her, okay?

~Handbag from Dorothy Perkins~

~From New Look~

~I bought it because I guess is not that expensive~

~From H.M.~

~From Dorothy Perkins too~

~Finally I got my boots~

Well, I hope this retail therapy will help you! Don't say thank you anymore, I myself enjoy the day too! It's really a great day in Sheffield though I overspent. Going to ikat perut for one month already. We shall hang out again next time, next station would be Manchester? Hopefully. If you feel sad, unhappy, homesick, lovesick, or anything, just feel free to come and look for me. No worries gal, you are going back soon also, so just stay happy. Cheers~

Thoughts and craps

Looking out from my window, I see the moon, I see the brightness. Then I see an aeroplane crossing the moon, it suddenly reminded me of station one, subang jaya, when Michele and I saw the aeroplane, we wish we could be in there and we were wondering what is our life in oversea. After they left to Aus, whenever I saw an aeroplane, I will tell the person beside me "See, aeroplane arr..." Then there is a silent moment, where my heart felt so empty and I can feel the disappointment. How time flies, I succesfully get into the plane, look down from the plane, I ain't going to Australia but UK. Everything is just like a dream, ya, a dream. Whatever happens in the past 3 months is just like a dream for me, it's so near yet so far; it's so real yet so fake. I am wondering everything happened back in 3 months time is real? is true? Today, when I think back, I forgot actually I have an unexpected long holiday, and I hardly believe whatever happens in the unexpected holiday is real. The holiday, complicated, it's actually full of disappointment and frustration, but I did have a happy holiday, when the life is just about hanging out, shopping, chit-chatting.

Time really can cure a wound? True enough, but I think at the same time, time can create a wound too. Everyday, we were like saying "I need time, give me some time, time will show, etc." But how much time do we really have? One day, two days, ten years, fifty years or the whole life? Time will never stop, time will never wait for us. Most of us assume that we got plenty of time, so we just wait wait and wait, but as time goes, many things have changed. When you wait for the right time to speak out something or do something, it's often too late, everything just too late! Then we will start to regret, but it's useless anymore. I remember one sentence "Right timing is always depends on you yourself, you can actually decide the time." So, if you got anything to tell someone, speak it out; if you wish to do something, do it right now, you will never know what is going to happen next second. Don't make yourself regret because of "wait".

"Just be yourself", this is what my professor said. Sometimes, we are confuse about who we are? We trying to do so many things to find out who we are. But, he told me just do something you are comfortable with, just be yourself. For example, some fashion is very beautiful, but when you try on it, it's actually not suitable for you, it's not ur style and it can't show ur own personality, but you still insist to buy it, just for the sake of the beautiness. But don't you think is weird wearing something which is not suitable for you? Just put on something which you are comfortable and happy with.

Dealing with a memory test recently, can I just delete the memory I don't want? Stupid question Dolly, when you are being intellectual, you scolded people who ask this question. I think we can choose to not remember, but at the moment, you already think of it, something is just beyond our control! If one day, I forget everything happened between me and a person, then we will become stranger or the most familiar stranger? Even though you think you already forget, but actually the memories is inside your forbidden thoughts, who knows? Freud might know. Okay okay, going crazy... Memory memory, an interesting topic. I wish something it's just STM, but not LTM.

Okay, I am patient enough, I am calm enough, and I am trying to think about myself.................. That's all I can do!

Weekend

It's been about three weeks in Sheffield yet I haven't post up any photos took in Sheffield. Since Ming Keong pay a visit to me yesterday from Leeds, I will upload some pictures he took in Sheffield.

~This is a part of city in Sheffield~

~Sheffield City Hall~

~Combination of roasted pork, roasted duck, and charsiew~

~Roasted Pork and Fish Fillet Rice~

~Dinner in "wong ting"~

I feel like shopping and hang out recently, but I just couldn't find the right "kaki". I feel like buying a lot of things, eat a lot of food, there are so many things I wanted to do!!! And where is the right timing, right person, and the right feeling??? I am searching for it all the way long...

A quiet Saturday night again! Alone at home, planning to do my summary which due on Tuesday, but keep procrastinating, wondering why? I know I should start on my study, my assignments, but I just ended up blogging, watching movie! Help me, procrastination is taking control over me! Hahaha.. Will start working soon, hopefully...

Crap

It's been a few days since that incident happened, and the incident made me look clearer the things happen around me. Perhaps after something happened, I click on the refresh button in my mind, and it's getting clear and refreshing now. No one would be perfect in this world including me. I made the mistake, I was losing control on my emotions, and I was super down. But, no one could actually be strong and tough all the time right? Everyone will be experience the "down" moment, and everyone would have some time of being emo, right? Well, don't come over and tell me I am a psychology student, and I must know how to deal with my emotions, and how to find a way to release them. Psychology student is also a human, just like doctor, do you think a doctor will not fall sick forever?

Well, I admit is my fault and I am so willing to face it, I learn from experience and I told myself the same thing would not happen next time. I will only make a promise when I know I will try my best to do it. After the emo period, I also need to stand up, to face the world and to continue my life. Honestly, I had never thought of giving up my life just like that, and I appreciate everything gave by everyone. I appreciate the sacrifaction my dad gave me to further my study in UK. Since that day my dad promise to let me come over UK, I told myself not to make him disappointed, I told myself I must live a happy life here and enjoy every moment here. I tried, that day I left, I didn't cry, even a drop of tear also don't have. I told myself I cannot cry, I must be brave, even though deep in my heart I am so fear to travel alone, but I did it, I came to Sheffield, I survive!

Perhaps I suppressed my feelings for quite a long time, so it's just split out with the presence of some stimulant. I cried, cried out the fears in my heart, cried out the tension and pressure in my heart, I just feel like letting out the feelings, sadly in a wrong way. But when I woke up from the unconsiousness, I realize many things have changed. I learn a lot from this experience but why can't just give me a chance to face it, to live a new life? It's like the criminal from the prison, they wish to live a new life, but the people and society never give them a chance to start over again, because in human's mind "once you make the mistake, you will never got the chance to restart." But, do you know what a person who fell before want? They just need supports and some caring actions, not the realistic and sarcastic words which cut off their hopes. After a trauma, people are psychologically weak, try to be empathy, try to feel the way they feel, give more supports, you will never know you actually helping a person to feel there's hope in this world.

Come across a book, psychology is not about common sense, think deeply, it is more than a common sense. What is a good theory? Good theory is falsifiable, which it has the possibility to be false. We can't always get the exact data to support the theory, that's why from the discomfirmation of data, theory evolve to be more relevant to the reality. And making mistake is very normal in science, so as being a human. Human learn from mistakes, if you want to be successful, you must not afraid to fall, you must not afraid of making mistake, you must not afraid to feel the pain. That's why, when you make a mistake, you learn from it, you are getting closer to succeed. Because from the mistake you made, you know the problem in yourself, you change or modify it, to become a better man.

So, basically this post is about craps... Erm, wanna say sorry to those who worry about me so much, no worries, after releasing the emotions, I am fine and I am sure I could continue with my journey. And, thanks for all the supports and caring... Love you guys so much... muaks..

I lost myself

I nearly broke down and collapse last night, it was a terrible night I had in Sheffield. Suddenly, I just realize I don't really understand myself, I don't understand why I behaved in this way, I don't know what I want and I don't know so many things about myself. Funny, often I scolded people stupid when they behave and think in a "stupid" way. And I just realize sometimes I just being intellectual on judging other people, when something happens on myself, I just know that I myself is being stupid too! Quote from Shean Wei personal message "knowledge is great, but there is something more important--->understanding". When something doesn't happen on you, you can be how intellectual as you like, and you tell people this is the truth what! But when something happens on you, you try to be intellectual, but you can't, it is always harder to put something you learn into your real life, what you need now is just understanding and emphaty.

Then, I was thinking am I taking the right course---> psychology? Sometimes I failed to understand myself, failed to seek a balance for my emotions, and I don't even know a healthier way to release my emotions. I guess I was supressing my feelings for some time, and when it goes overload, I totally lost control, trying to hurt myself as well as other people. Very sorry to Victor, I don't know I did something so stupid which is beyond my control, really. I don't know what happened at that moment, and sorry for being sarcastic to you and if my words did hurt you. I am really very sorry. Oh my god! Dolly Loong is such an idiot, trying to do something which I myself label it as the most stupid action in this world. I don't even believe I will have such thoughts you know. Sigh, after all, I just realize how weak, fragile and useless I am.

I have a different life here, and everything I do here is not something Dolly will usually do it. What the f**k, since when I become so kind-hearted, so helpful, so selfless, so polite, so FAKE? I thought I can pretend to be a good person for at least 9 months, but is so so so suffer, I am confuse about my own identity, as time goes here, I guess I am losing myself more. How long can a person without own identity and soul can live in this FAKE world? I am so tired, so sick of all these, and I don't know how long I can bear with it, and I don't know when is the next time I will lost control again, and open the window and jump down. I feel lonely and helpless, and I am not happy at all!

You guys told me I am not alone, and when I walked back to my hostel with tears in the rain last night, the weather is cold, but my heart is even colder, only the tears are warm. Haha, it's so sad to walk in the rain with tears, alone. Everything seems to be so strange for me, the environment, people, buildings, everything everything. Can I just be an introvert starts from today? Can I only live in my own world? Can I built a wall to prevent anyone for entering my world? Can I? Can I? I just don't want to have anything in my mind right now, I am TIRED!!!

Happy Birthday Michele

Happy birthday Michele!!! Though I can't celebrate your birthday with you this year, but my wishes and blessings always be with you!!! Hopefully you will have a wonderful and unforgettable birthday celebration in Adelaide this year! And I am looking forward to meet you have a late celebration with you next year, okay? This is the small small present for you :



Mich, this is my first time doing this combination of pics, got bit failed.. I will send you the file once you online... Don't blame me yea!!! :p

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to Michele,
Happy birthday to you!!!

May all you wishes come true!!!!!!! Take Care and hugs hugs!!!

Sick fish

I am so sick of human, but why am I still taking a course which study a lot about human being? Why I need to study about their thoughts, personality or even their behaviors? I am tired of human, so-called the most intelligent living creatures in this world. Perhaps I should resit my human communication paper? Sometimes I wish I could be more cold-blooded, more cruel compared to anyone else, so I won't mind how others perceive and judge me. For times, I told myself I don't mind, why care so much since it is not important? But, to be honest, I mind, it's like a phobia since I experienced the same thing during my secondary school days.

I am tired. Here, sometimes I just feel helpless, lonely, and I don't know who can really share my feelings, my joy and pain? I hope there is someone I can lean on, to listen to what I say, is right here for me whenever I feel sad. It's 12.05am in UK, so it will be 7.05am in Malaysia, who is going to listen to what I say? Anyway, thanks Victor, I guess you're the only one who will be online at this time, seeing me being emo and stubborn again! I know you tried your best to comfort me, it's just you being too intellectual sometimes telling me the facts that I actually know. But when it comes to application of the facts, it's not that easy I suppose! Empathy, is quite useful sometimes.

Don't know why, I kind of miss home this weekend. The moments I had in Malaysia will suddenly pop into my mind especially when I was trying to sleep. Before this, I hardly think of the moments in Malaysia, maybe because I'm just suppressing it, to control my mind not to think about that. But these two days, it just popped on me, I thought I was in Malaysia, but when I opened my eyes, I realized I am in this cold and lonely country. This make me even miss the people, the weather, the food in Malaysia. I was standing in front the window, my mind flew, and I am recall back the days I had in Malaysia.

Can I stay strong and tough? Will I collapse? How to become more cruel? Who to hug when I feel like crying? When can I start enjoy my life here? Can time flies?

Study abroad could be interesting and enjoying, but not everyone can understand the toughness we need to go through. Just bless me, everything will be fine!

A short emo post

It's friday night! Sitting in front my laptop, searching information about dreams, and it's about Freud's intepretation of dreams again, sigh~

I am sleepy actually, but I'm just couldn't fall asleep, couldn't close my eyes, I just feel scare, many things flash into my mind, but I don't know what is that, it's just very irritating.

Sometimes, I just don't know what is in human's mind, perhaps that is the reason I study psychology? And I don't understand why people behave in different ways? Background? Education? Environment? or own personality? Learn from experience, this is what I always told myself, I told myself not to mind, not to sad, not to angry. But when it happens, everything just can't go the way I wish. Crying, not worth it, but it's still hurt, I just unable to take it, seriously. Why cares? I am who I am, I am just living my own life, who cares?

Okay, people who understand me don't need me to speak more, they will just understand me from the heart, know what is my feeling now. Tell me, I can take it, tell me, I don't mind. And tell me, you are here to support and care of me always!

First post in Sheffield

Well. today, I am seriously tired, with all my registration thingy, walking down and up the hill for couple of times, and my back was pain carrying my heavy laptop bag for the whole day, yesterday.

Okay, everyone was like asking what is my feelings? I don't really know seriously, it's just complicated! Before I reached here, I felt nervous and worry, cause I don't know a single thing here. When I was on the plane, how I wish I could be back to Malaysia but I know I can't as there is no turning back for me, I need to move on no matter how. When I reached here, yea, it's just not that bad compare to what I think. Thanks to those who help me all along in Sheffield, I appreciate it very much, sincerly. I don't have a serious homesick here, don't know why, perhaps technology really make people get closer no matter how far they are. When a friend told me she is going back to Malaysia this coming December, and some of their parents are coming to visit them, how I wish my family members could be here, but my dad ain't rich and I can't just add burden to him. My tears didn't drop down since I reached here, I know I can't, it will only make me become weaker. Dolly Loong, you must be tough no matter how and I think I am tough enough, wahaha... It's okay, I just used to be going a place by myself all the way long, it's tough, but I realize just depends on how you look at it.

Life here, quite simple and relax I guess. It's actually a "green city". The university, it's big, and the design of the buildings are fascinating. Here are pictures of the University of Sheffield:

Looking forward to attend my class tomorrow, a bit worry, since I didn't study for about half year, I just realize I forgot a lot in research methods, gosh, I am going to revise it back, luckily I brought Miss Winnee notes here. Bless me please!

Besides that, thanks for the warm sweet message from my sister, brother-in-law, cousins, and my friends. I know you all will be my side no matter how far I am and no matter what happens. I know you guys will be supporting me always, and that's give me power to live my life here. No matter what happen, I will keep moving on. The supports you gave me mean a lot for me, really. I will be missing you guys, no matter where you are: Malaysia, Australi, and the United States. Take care and thanks for everything! We shall always keep in touch! Hugs!

Save the last outing

Okay, I am in starbucks again, with my favourite drink ice-blended mocha and some free muffins! Few days past, I am quite busy and tired packing my stuffs. Yesterday, I had a happy and great time with my good buddies in neway karaoke and sakae sushi! Here are some pictures we took last night:

~My bro, khe kong and me~

~Ah kong Dao Yong and Ah mah Yen~

~Dao Yong, Khe Kong, Yen and Dolly~

~Sakae Sushi~

~Yen and Dolly @The Curve~

It's fun hanging out with you guys though from a huge group become four of us. Haha, I appreciate it a lot and wondering when can we hang out again? Perhaps next year, when everyone of us back in Malaysia. I miss those days a lot, and it will be in my memory forever! Take care guys and see ya next year! Thousands of misses from me and remember to keep in touch! ~Hugs~