Crappy post

Alright, it's been some time since my last update. How's London? (Most people was asking me this question) Well, sometimes I just don't feel like I am in London except when I passed through the London landmark (Big Ben and London Eye) maybe one or twice in a week? Coz I will only go to Central of London once in a while. So nothing much about London yet. =)

Actually I don't have much to talk about, my life is nothing much special. Today, I learned about changes in organisation today and most people don't like those changes and they feel stress. Know what, I basically hate changes, changes in any aspect: life, studies, relationship, job, etc. Well, I know I still can adapt to these changes after some time, like what I did now, but I just don't like changes. Changes made me feel uncertain and insecure, everything need to be reset. But, changes are inevitable and unavoidable, so finger cross everything will be fine!

I admit that I am a person who think too much, sensitive, narrow minded, emotional, stubborn, taking things personally, most importantly, a person who dare not speak out my mind in a group disucssion. I don't know why I just don't have the confidence and courage to speak out loudly in a group, I wish my brain has unlimited flow of ideas/critical thoughts, I wish I can just speak out what I think and what I want. It's so difficult for me to really engage and enjoy a group discussion and most of the time group work stressed me up. All I know is to conform and to agree, loser!

Sometimes, I blame my earlier education where we don't really given the chance to speak out what we think. Teachers don't encourage questioning, we just need to listen to teachers, did what they said. When we doubt and question about something, we got punished. We memorize model essay to write a good essay, we did 10, 20, 30 times of correction of the same question without knowing the reason why. We read from the book, we did not explore the environment around us, what we knew is how to study in order to get straight As. You know what, primary school until master level, the most stressful study period for me is during primary school. I was not in control of everything, I was just a study machine.

But it is not the case now, I have the control, I am free to speak out what I want, I found it is so hard to speak out, so hard to think critically, so hard to critize a journal article. Basically I just agree with everything, I just think what people said is right, I don't know how to spot out mistakes and flaws. Goshhh..... I just need more confidence and courage and braveness. PLEASE!

I know this is a crappy post, just let me release everything out, alright?