Crap

It's been a few days since that incident happened, and the incident made me look clearer the things happen around me. Perhaps after something happened, I click on the refresh button in my mind, and it's getting clear and refreshing now. No one would be perfect in this world including me. I made the mistake, I was losing control on my emotions, and I was super down. But, no one could actually be strong and tough all the time right? Everyone will be experience the "down" moment, and everyone would have some time of being emo, right? Well, don't come over and tell me I am a psychology student, and I must know how to deal with my emotions, and how to find a way to release them. Psychology student is also a human, just like doctor, do you think a doctor will not fall sick forever?

Well, I admit is my fault and I am so willing to face it, I learn from experience and I told myself the same thing would not happen next time. I will only make a promise when I know I will try my best to do it. After the emo period, I also need to stand up, to face the world and to continue my life. Honestly, I had never thought of giving up my life just like that, and I appreciate everything gave by everyone. I appreciate the sacrifaction my dad gave me to further my study in UK. Since that day my dad promise to let me come over UK, I told myself not to make him disappointed, I told myself I must live a happy life here and enjoy every moment here. I tried, that day I left, I didn't cry, even a drop of tear also don't have. I told myself I cannot cry, I must be brave, even though deep in my heart I am so fear to travel alone, but I did it, I came to Sheffield, I survive!

Perhaps I suppressed my feelings for quite a long time, so it's just split out with the presence of some stimulant. I cried, cried out the fears in my heart, cried out the tension and pressure in my heart, I just feel like letting out the feelings, sadly in a wrong way. But when I woke up from the unconsiousness, I realize many things have changed. I learn a lot from this experience but why can't just give me a chance to face it, to live a new life? It's like the criminal from the prison, they wish to live a new life, but the people and society never give them a chance to start over again, because in human's mind "once you make the mistake, you will never got the chance to restart." But, do you know what a person who fell before want? They just need supports and some caring actions, not the realistic and sarcastic words which cut off their hopes. After a trauma, people are psychologically weak, try to be empathy, try to feel the way they feel, give more supports, you will never know you actually helping a person to feel there's hope in this world.

Come across a book, psychology is not about common sense, think deeply, it is more than a common sense. What is a good theory? Good theory is falsifiable, which it has the possibility to be false. We can't always get the exact data to support the theory, that's why from the discomfirmation of data, theory evolve to be more relevant to the reality. And making mistake is very normal in science, so as being a human. Human learn from mistakes, if you want to be successful, you must not afraid to fall, you must not afraid of making mistake, you must not afraid to feel the pain. That's why, when you make a mistake, you learn from it, you are getting closer to succeed. Because from the mistake you made, you know the problem in yourself, you change or modify it, to become a better man.

So, basically this post is about craps... Erm, wanna say sorry to those who worry about me so much, no worries, after releasing the emotions, I am fine and I am sure I could continue with my journey. And, thanks for all the supports and caring... Love you guys so much... muaks..

I lost myself

I nearly broke down and collapse last night, it was a terrible night I had in Sheffield. Suddenly, I just realize I don't really understand myself, I don't understand why I behaved in this way, I don't know what I want and I don't know so many things about myself. Funny, often I scolded people stupid when they behave and think in a "stupid" way. And I just realize sometimes I just being intellectual on judging other people, when something happens on myself, I just know that I myself is being stupid too! Quote from Shean Wei personal message "knowledge is great, but there is something more important--->understanding". When something doesn't happen on you, you can be how intellectual as you like, and you tell people this is the truth what! But when something happens on you, you try to be intellectual, but you can't, it is always harder to put something you learn into your real life, what you need now is just understanding and emphaty.

Then, I was thinking am I taking the right course---> psychology? Sometimes I failed to understand myself, failed to seek a balance for my emotions, and I don't even know a healthier way to release my emotions. I guess I was supressing my feelings for some time, and when it goes overload, I totally lost control, trying to hurt myself as well as other people. Very sorry to Victor, I don't know I did something so stupid which is beyond my control, really. I don't know what happened at that moment, and sorry for being sarcastic to you and if my words did hurt you. I am really very sorry. Oh my god! Dolly Loong is such an idiot, trying to do something which I myself label it as the most stupid action in this world. I don't even believe I will have such thoughts you know. Sigh, after all, I just realize how weak, fragile and useless I am.

I have a different life here, and everything I do here is not something Dolly will usually do it. What the f**k, since when I become so kind-hearted, so helpful, so selfless, so polite, so FAKE? I thought I can pretend to be a good person for at least 9 months, but is so so so suffer, I am confuse about my own identity, as time goes here, I guess I am losing myself more. How long can a person without own identity and soul can live in this FAKE world? I am so tired, so sick of all these, and I don't know how long I can bear with it, and I don't know when is the next time I will lost control again, and open the window and jump down. I feel lonely and helpless, and I am not happy at all!

You guys told me I am not alone, and when I walked back to my hostel with tears in the rain last night, the weather is cold, but my heart is even colder, only the tears are warm. Haha, it's so sad to walk in the rain with tears, alone. Everything seems to be so strange for me, the environment, people, buildings, everything everything. Can I just be an introvert starts from today? Can I only live in my own world? Can I built a wall to prevent anyone for entering my world? Can I? Can I? I just don't want to have anything in my mind right now, I am TIRED!!!

Happy Birthday Michele

Happy birthday Michele!!! Though I can't celebrate your birthday with you this year, but my wishes and blessings always be with you!!! Hopefully you will have a wonderful and unforgettable birthday celebration in Adelaide this year! And I am looking forward to meet you have a late celebration with you next year, okay? This is the small small present for you :



Mich, this is my first time doing this combination of pics, got bit failed.. I will send you the file once you online... Don't blame me yea!!! :p

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to Michele,
Happy birthday to you!!!

May all you wishes come true!!!!!!! Take Care and hugs hugs!!!

Sick fish

I am so sick of human, but why am I still taking a course which study a lot about human being? Why I need to study about their thoughts, personality or even their behaviors? I am tired of human, so-called the most intelligent living creatures in this world. Perhaps I should resit my human communication paper? Sometimes I wish I could be more cold-blooded, more cruel compared to anyone else, so I won't mind how others perceive and judge me. For times, I told myself I don't mind, why care so much since it is not important? But, to be honest, I mind, it's like a phobia since I experienced the same thing during my secondary school days.

I am tired. Here, sometimes I just feel helpless, lonely, and I don't know who can really share my feelings, my joy and pain? I hope there is someone I can lean on, to listen to what I say, is right here for me whenever I feel sad. It's 12.05am in UK, so it will be 7.05am in Malaysia, who is going to listen to what I say? Anyway, thanks Victor, I guess you're the only one who will be online at this time, seeing me being emo and stubborn again! I know you tried your best to comfort me, it's just you being too intellectual sometimes telling me the facts that I actually know. But when it comes to application of the facts, it's not that easy I suppose! Empathy, is quite useful sometimes.

Don't know why, I kind of miss home this weekend. The moments I had in Malaysia will suddenly pop into my mind especially when I was trying to sleep. Before this, I hardly think of the moments in Malaysia, maybe because I'm just suppressing it, to control my mind not to think about that. But these two days, it just popped on me, I thought I was in Malaysia, but when I opened my eyes, I realized I am in this cold and lonely country. This make me even miss the people, the weather, the food in Malaysia. I was standing in front the window, my mind flew, and I am recall back the days I had in Malaysia.

Can I stay strong and tough? Will I collapse? How to become more cruel? Who to hug when I feel like crying? When can I start enjoy my life here? Can time flies?

Study abroad could be interesting and enjoying, but not everyone can understand the toughness we need to go through. Just bless me, everything will be fine!

A short emo post

It's friday night! Sitting in front my laptop, searching information about dreams, and it's about Freud's intepretation of dreams again, sigh~

I am sleepy actually, but I'm just couldn't fall asleep, couldn't close my eyes, I just feel scare, many things flash into my mind, but I don't know what is that, it's just very irritating.

Sometimes, I just don't know what is in human's mind, perhaps that is the reason I study psychology? And I don't understand why people behave in different ways? Background? Education? Environment? or own personality? Learn from experience, this is what I always told myself, I told myself not to mind, not to sad, not to angry. But when it happens, everything just can't go the way I wish. Crying, not worth it, but it's still hurt, I just unable to take it, seriously. Why cares? I am who I am, I am just living my own life, who cares?

Okay, people who understand me don't need me to speak more, they will just understand me from the heart, know what is my feeling now. Tell me, I can take it, tell me, I don't mind. And tell me, you are here to support and care of me always!

First post in Sheffield

Well. today, I am seriously tired, with all my registration thingy, walking down and up the hill for couple of times, and my back was pain carrying my heavy laptop bag for the whole day, yesterday.

Okay, everyone was like asking what is my feelings? I don't really know seriously, it's just complicated! Before I reached here, I felt nervous and worry, cause I don't know a single thing here. When I was on the plane, how I wish I could be back to Malaysia but I know I can't as there is no turning back for me, I need to move on no matter how. When I reached here, yea, it's just not that bad compare to what I think. Thanks to those who help me all along in Sheffield, I appreciate it very much, sincerly. I don't have a serious homesick here, don't know why, perhaps technology really make people get closer no matter how far they are. When a friend told me she is going back to Malaysia this coming December, and some of their parents are coming to visit them, how I wish my family members could be here, but my dad ain't rich and I can't just add burden to him. My tears didn't drop down since I reached here, I know I can't, it will only make me become weaker. Dolly Loong, you must be tough no matter how and I think I am tough enough, wahaha... It's okay, I just used to be going a place by myself all the way long, it's tough, but I realize just depends on how you look at it.

Life here, quite simple and relax I guess. It's actually a "green city". The university, it's big, and the design of the buildings are fascinating. Here are pictures of the University of Sheffield:

Looking forward to attend my class tomorrow, a bit worry, since I didn't study for about half year, I just realize I forgot a lot in research methods, gosh, I am going to revise it back, luckily I brought Miss Winnee notes here. Bless me please!

Besides that, thanks for the warm sweet message from my sister, brother-in-law, cousins, and my friends. I know you all will be my side no matter how far I am and no matter what happens. I know you guys will be supporting me always, and that's give me power to live my life here. No matter what happen, I will keep moving on. The supports you gave me mean a lot for me, really. I will be missing you guys, no matter where you are: Malaysia, Australi, and the United States. Take care and thanks for everything! We shall always keep in touch! Hugs!

Save the last outing

Okay, I am in starbucks again, with my favourite drink ice-blended mocha and some free muffins! Few days past, I am quite busy and tired packing my stuffs. Yesterday, I had a happy and great time with my good buddies in neway karaoke and sakae sushi! Here are some pictures we took last night:

~My bro, khe kong and me~

~Ah kong Dao Yong and Ah mah Yen~

~Dao Yong, Khe Kong, Yen and Dolly~

~Sakae Sushi~

~Yen and Dolly @The Curve~

It's fun hanging out with you guys though from a huge group become four of us. Haha, I appreciate it a lot and wondering when can we hang out again? Perhaps next year, when everyone of us back in Malaysia. I miss those days a lot, and it will be in my memory forever! Take care guys and see ya next year! Thousands of misses from me and remember to keep in touch! ~Hugs~