It's just me

Being tough; sometimes I am not tough.
Being cheerful; sometimes I just feel sad.
Being outgoing; sometimes I just need solitude.
Being an extrovert; sometimes I just feel lonely.
Know my way; sometimes I am lost.
I know what life is; sometimes I confuse about life.

There's always imperfection in life,
I would never be perfect,
I will not always be a cheerful, tough, outgoing, and ambitious gal;
I will feel sad, will feel lonely, will feel weak, will emo.
That's me, I am just being myself,
feeling what I feel...

It's 1.53 am, 1st of March, 2008,
a brand new day, brand new dream!
Off to Liverpool...
Looking forward to Spain~

Bad day~

I have a bad day. Went to see my personal tutor and collect my result, I think I was speechless when I looked at my result. It's not that bad actually, it's just not what I expected. My personal tutor told me it was not bad, and everyone thinks that cognitive psyc is hard to score. When he asked me got any question, besides "nothing" this word, I am basically speechless. He should realize the disappointment on my face. Walked down the street, realize the street is so quiet than normally, the weather is gloomy, windy and cold, my heart is even colder. Tasha and I were saying everything is so match with our mood and emotions.

Lab class was canceled but I didn't know because I didn't receive any email from the department. If I know earlier, I would sit in starbucks longer to do my works. But I can't go home, because there is an appoinment with the property agent in the evening. So, I spend my two hours time in IC with Tasha, trying to do the non-access questions. Then, went to Tesco wait for the property agent, waited for 30 minutes but he/she doesn't show up. I called, the lady told me she didn't have any record of my appoinment. I was like wtf, I told her I've been waiting for half an hour but she just ignored my words, how "responsible" the property agent is.

Throughout the day, I split out my coffee and sandwich for few times. Why is it so not my day? I'm lost recently, unclear about the direction, wondering things I am doing and what's the purpose of all these? I've been so stress and tired recently, looking for accomodation, looking for job, trying to study, but everything is still lagging here and there until today! Why can't everything just be perfect?! I just want everything to be settled ASAP! Please....

I don't feel like doing anything. I feel like lay on the bed and not thinking of a single thing.
Get all things done, is my only wish now~ Bless me!!!

Emptiness

Am in the library, trying to do my short-answer questions, but just lagging here and there. Just found that I am so unmotivated to do my work, especially non-access work. I like being in the sixth floor of our Information Commons (IC), facing the window, looking out the lights over the hills, is the beautiful and quiet Sheffield's night view.

Looking at the night view here, suddenly I miss Malaysia, the feeling is so indescribable. My heart just feel empty, not sad, not lonely, it's just empty. I miss driving along the highway, I miss standing in the balcony, enjoying the night view of PJ. It's not lonely, but sometimes it's just not much friends here, but I believe quality always come before quantity.

Life here is complicated, it seems relax and enjoy but at the same time it is tough. Is a must to be independent, to settle everything by myself. How I wish somebody could help me settle everything without me worrying here. But I ain't a little gal anymore, I know I need to settle everything by my own, I know everything will goes well.

It's going to be 21st soon, it means that I am growing older again, it means that I have to be more responsible and understanding, independent and mature. I miss the celebration for past two years. How would it be for this year? I suppose it might be a lonely and empty birthday, especially over here, away from my dearest family and friends. Sigh~ A simple wish I have: live a happy life, not to feel lonely here.

It's time to go home...................

Fish's thoughts

Recently I am so not Dolly, I wonder why I didn't behave like what I normally behave. I didn't express my anger, I didn't express my dissatisfaction except to some close friend of mine. I angry of myself, because I couldn't stand firm like last time, because I am just trying to run away from troubles. I don't want to think, I don't want to use my brain, I just don't want to do anything. I feel sad and disappointed of myself because I think sometimes I just being weak and silly. But after talk to my "little bro", I actually realize and understand something which stuck in my mind for some time.

Think from other perspective, the best knowledge you get from study abroad is not about what your textbooks say, but the communication and compromising between people. At this moment you might found compromising with people is hard and suffer, but come to think of that, you are actually learning something from it, to be patient, and not to be too self-centered. Generally speaking, I think people are selfish most of the time, will you do something which doesn't bring any advantage to you? I might be wrong, but that's what my own perception. I am selfish as well, but we don't really need to be too over! Sometimes being stupid and silly is not bad and it doesn't mean that you are really stupid and useless; smart people will not show how smart they are. Sometimes, just let people take some "advantage" from you, just let them think you are naive and silly, one day you might realize you will get more than you give. It could be a kind of investment, losing a bit might get you better profit!

Off topic, the life here is getting boring but tired. Sometimes feel like crying, but knowing that crying also couldn't help me, might as well don't cry, later make my emotion and mood worse. Might as well turn the boredom into eat and sleep, at least that is something I love to do!!! Wakaka...

Okay, remember that you need to loss something in order to gain more in return!!!
(I realize my two "brothers" and me always come out with those evil ideas and we actually enjoy those evil plans a lot!!! Kekeke...)

Miss you guys!!

~Joyce, Rynn and Dik~

Was talking to my cousin just now, she makes me miss them so much. I have three cousins which are closest to me: Joyce, Rynn, and Kuo Dik.

Joyce, is my companion most of the time when I was in KL. Maybe I should say, I was hers best study companion and she was my late nite companion. When she was preparing for CLP, I accompany her to study in Starbucks or Sky Cafe. We always go shopping and have tea together. Late at night, we will widely awake and searching around for food, and often instant noodles and Mcd is our super late supper. I saw her stress and cried over her studies, and I share her happiness when she pass her CLP. Now, I hope she will successfully complete her chambering this year, and I miss the way she called me "loong mei mei"...

~Joyce and Me~

Rynn, is my companion since we were kid, and our relationship strengthen when both of us went to KL. She was my "kaki lepak" and "kaki clubbing". We often create lies to our sisters just of the sake of going clubbing. There was one time when our sisters were not at home, both of us went to 7-11 to buy beers, we decided to drink until vomit, just to vomit. And we did, we feel good after vomitting, it sounds crazy and yes, it was crazy. And then, we talked for whole night, talked about our problems, our sadness, until we fell asleep in the living room. Oh, I enjoyed doing facial by her and of cross, massage!!! Can't wait to go back and do facial. My friends are her friends, her friends are my friends too! Okay, I promise go back I will definetely hang out with you day and night.

~Rynn and Me~

Kuo Dik, is my cousin brother who always watch soccer with me. Okay, I know a lot about soccer from him. During world cup, both of us watched the football match until falling asleep in the living room. And Rynn, Dik and me actually drive all along to PBD Ali Maju to eat and also to watch the football match. He was my dinner companion sometimes, everytime is the mamak nearby our house. He also the one who buy take away lunch for me because I will only wake up during lunch time. Well, Rynn and him were my "clubbing kaki", we often do stupid and crazy things in club, such as throwing ice into each other's shirt and dance like stupid people.

Sigh, life here is so boring without you guys. Seeing Joyce and Rynn cried when I leave to UK made me so heavy-hearted. So sad, I miss you guys!!! Nevermind, time flies, I'll be back soon and we'll hang out together!!! Miss you all loads!!!

Wait for me... I"LL BE BACK SOON!!!

Nobody and Nothing

Ya, I am stupid, I am idiot, I am NOBODY!!! I am not gonna to say anything anymore, LISTEN, I'm NOT GONNA TO SAY ANYTHING!

Compromising?! Haha, You make me feel like I am such an idiot!

Trying to be kind, Oh please, Dolly Loong can never be kind! You're testing my patience, and of cross my limit! Do I deserve all these?! NO!!! I deserve better than all these!!!

Be kind to me and I'll definetely be kind to you; be mean to me, I'll be as meaner as I could!

This moment onwards, I will say NOTHING because you're NOBODY to me!!!

Random

Time flies, Chinese New Year 2008 is here. I still remember last year about this time, I cut my hair short, very short. Everyone was asking me why did I cut it short? Is it because of broke up with my lover? Is it because I want to forget something unhappy? Haha, not at all, I cut it just because I feel like cutting it short, to change my hairstyle. The last time I cut my hair is before I came UK. Again, time flies, my hair growing longer and it's so MESSY now, can't wait to go back Malaysia and change my hairstyle again!

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Valentine's day is coming soon, my friend asked me how do I gonna celebrate Valentine's day? Haha, good question, I should be staying in my room watching series or sleeping. I forgot how I celebrate last year Valentine's day, but I did remember how I celebrate the Valentine's day the year before. It's with my good friends, countdowning for Valentine's day in Yippie Cup, SS2, cheers for being single and went to Secret Recipe with my "dai ma" and "sai ma" in Hartamas (Supposedly in souled out).

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There's few thing I need to settle as soon as possible:

1. Look for a part time job.
2. Look for the accomodation for coming September.
3. Change the date of my air ticket back to Malaysia.

I want all these to be done as fast as possible, no more delays, cause I'm running out of time. Time is money, delaying might cause nothing to be done finally. So, get them done!!!

Okay, just a very random post... Happy CNY everyone!