Boring. Random. Life

Well, tomorrow I have only one lecture and it ends my third study week here. Basically, my timetable seems to be very free here, I only have 3 lectures in 3 days with 1only lecture on each day. It's only 50 minutes per lecture, so basically I just have 150 minutes lecture in a week. However, I have plenty of readings, I have plenty of works and deadline to meet :

1. Extended essay
2. Research Project
3. Cognitive Development Essay

Time flies, so it goes my 3rd week in UK. I always wonder why does the time flies? I went to Aunt Sally Restaurant for dinner just now, it reminds me of last year about this time, when Victor down to Sheffield for me. It's one year ago, and sometimes I just couldn't believe I've been here for one year. Life is uncertain, many things happened and many things have changed. I accept the changes, perhaps I know I couldn't change the changed.

And now I learn, it is always better to depend on myself than to depend on others. I used to depend on some people here, and everytime when the person is no more here for me to depend on, I felt lost and sad. Yeah, it is tough when you need to carry and keep everything to yourself, but at least I will not give up on myself and I will not abandon myself. It sounds pathetic, but think of it seriously and from my experiences I know I couldn't 100% rely on other people. My dad always told me that we must “自强不息”so we don't need to be afraid of is there anyone to help me.

And now I am learning not to jealous of anyone, even though I don't have what they have, but I have what I have, I should be grateful cause life would never be perfect. That day was discussing an issue with my friends, we were wondering why we always think that other people's stuff will always better than ours even though we have it too. Lol~ "I think the shirt you bought is nice maybe because it is yours and not mine?" Can someone tell me why sometimes people will feel like that?

Hey, there is a new song from Jay Chou which I think the lyrics are quite meaningful (introduced by Peggy), is called "稻香". I like the lyrics which state something about home is the only castle. Ya, after study abroad, I feel that my home is the nicest castle and it is the most comfortable place. But I wonder why want to use the word "castle" since some castle in UK is quite scary. I am sick here, I feel so helpless last night as I couldn't sleep and the only place I want to be is my home, the place where I always belong to. Sad, though I am trying to be tough, but I just wish someone will take care of me, cause I want to feel the belonginess too.

Forgive me for the long and boring post. Forgive me lah, I am sick and the brain is not functioning well to do my work, that's why I am blogging here. Sick fish signing off here, take care everyone and nice weekend to all!

Random

"Hey, just let everything stop here okay?" This is what I was telling myself. My major weakness: ruminating too much! My inner self likes to tell me "maybe XXXXX....... if XX then what should I do?" But now, I just don't want to make any wild guessing on everything so I should let everything ends. Now, I just don't have the courage to hold on to it anymore. Luckily I don't have a serious mood swing like last time when facing the similar problems. Luckily I didn't cry like last time though there's tears in my eyes. Is this the pathway to make me become a feelingless person? I still feel sad but apparently I am more calm this time. Maybe I am getting immune to the pain, sadness, disappointment and all.

I am so sick of all these, it makes me ill, it brought me down, and it is repeating over again and again. Who are you to influence my mood? And who are you to bring me down? Who are you and you to hurt me over and over again? ---> You're NOBODY. But I still feel sad..... =(

Don't see, don't hear, don't ask, don't care, don't know! Get out of my sight and get out of my heart! I don't deserve all these NEGATIVE FEELINGS!

Days without Internet

Woohoo~ I am impress by myself, I can actually survive without internet in my home for more than one week here, YES HERE, the "quiet and peaceful" SHEFFIELD! So, what could I do without internet at home?! Well, I went to class and most of the time hang out in the city-center till evening. At night, non-stop series marathon to keep me from being homesick! Yeah, I miss my home because even though without internet, I have my family back home!! =(

Now, I just NEED INTERNET CONNECTION!!! I am disconnected from the outside world during this period! Not only that, I have loads of work waiting for me--> research, journals, essays, final year project..... I need INTERNET to do all these! Arghh, I am going to go crazy and mad when I saw the deadlines of all these is so far yet so NEAR! And, I need a part time job to earn some money so I wish I can go back and travel with my family, and meet my "long time no see" brother.

Yeah, I know I desperately need for internet and money, Lol~

I admit I am an internet addict! Yes, I AM! Lol~

I'm back!

I am finally back in UK! And it's been a long time since my last update. Jet-lag is making me feel so tired and exhausted. Unpacking and packing stuff is killing me, I am freaking tired, tired, and tired. Well, the weather now is not bad, kind of sunny, it's rare to have such a beautiful sunny day.

Sigh, I think my body is in UK but my heart and soul still in Malaysia. I just can't really feel everything around me, and I just can't feel my existence here. Well, things are slightly different from last year. Now, I am no more a lost fish in Sheffield who previously don't know anything about here, I don't really need to depend on others. Is a good thing but meanwhile I just feel more lonely compare to last year. It's like not much people I can talk to, it makes me feel there is one thing less in UK. Perhaps I don't have the internet connection now, still need to apply for it. Without internet, my life is so dead, is like losing connection with the outside world. I wish I could get it fast, else I will die of bored here!

Okay, I will update more once I got the internet connection!

My summer should end here

I think my summer break should stop here. No one wants the holiday to end so fast, but seriously I think many things happened during this holiday, I hope everything will come to an end. Now I realize, sometimes knowing much is not a good thing either. There's something which I wish I will not know forever, knowing too much sometimes will make you think you are a fool, a stupid idiot.


Whatever happened these months make me thinks that sometimes people around me are quite scary. I wonder which person is a true friend of mine and which person is just like pretending to be a good person. Now I know, people will not turn to evil reasonless, sometimes life and experiences just push people towards the corner, force to be an evil. Will I become an evil then? I wish I will not, but after so many things, I just need to protect myself so I wouldn't get hurt anymore, forgive me, it's a self-defense mechanism, I need to be selfish sometimes. No worries, I know deep inside my heart, turning into an evil is not easy, but who knows?

I did mention before there's always turning back, but is it for everything? Now I am kind of exhausted, I just don't want to care, whatever happened is already happened, we can't change it. Wound will be cure but scar will always be there. Sometimes it's too late for everything, but I hope everything isn't too late for me! Sometimes being good to others mean being evil/harsh to ourselves. Lastly lastly, you're just the one who being hurt and feel sad. So, why should I bother to treat people good anymore?

Well, this might be an emotional post which is full of anger and disappointment. But, things are so uncertain in our life, I never know what is going to happen next. Mind is blank and heart is empty, guess I need some time to find my way back! Sorry, if you guys find out the dolly here is not the dolly you know (at least for this moment). Bless me!

Uncertainties, Life and Me

Again, this holiday, I realize nothing is eternal and thing doesn't go the way we wish. Well, everything is kinda fragile, maybe within few seconds, everything can be totally different and everything will only turn into history. I have done all I can, now just let natural takes place. I think truth is not how you explained it, truth is you believe in yourself, and is not about how others look at you. Time is a great tool, as time goes by, nothing can destroy truth!

Suddenly, I miss my buddies who are in Adelaide. I know, they will always by my side no matter what happen. Here come a question, did I make a right choice or wrong choice last year when I decided to go to UK? If I am in Adelaide, I think I will be very happy and many things will not happen. However, I did know some great friends over UK. There's always a chance to turn back, to transfer to Adelaide, right? Will I make this U-Turning? I always told people that the happiest time I have is during my college life, I met a bunch of "crazy" people, they are all cherish, perhaps they are more mature than I am, both chronologically and mentally. The cherish them always brighten up my days and my life!

Sigh, I am so confuse, confuse over something. Nevermind, life still moves on. Things which are unhappy just leave it behind. As someone told me before I have survive strongly in UK, so just don't give up and move on. I will always stay strong and stay tough and will not easily give up!
Bless me, wish me, and always be by my side~

Summer Holiday

Finally I am updating my blog. Hmm, time flies, month after month just pass like that. My feelings are complicated now. Sometimes I feel like going back to UK soon, sometimes I don't feel like going back. I know I always contradict with myself, I just don't know what I want, don't know what he wants, don't know what she wants, and don't know what they want!

Just came back from Miri, Brunei, and Sibu. Well, it's a nice and relaxing trip. The hosts are especially great. Specially thanks to Pricilla, Julian, Kevin, and of cross their family. People said it's hard to look for a close friend, then probability is low to meet a person, to know him/her, and become close friend. I'm glad that I have not only one good friend, I have you all. We met in other's country but we become good friends. Once again, Happy 21st Birthday to Baby Pricilla and I believe you have a wonderful birthday party and I am glad that I was able to attend your grand birthday party. May all your wishes come true!!!

If you ask me what I think about this summer holiday, I would say relax and relax. Summer, always give people the impression of cherish, brightness, full of energy and hope. If you ask me what else I want to do during this summer holiday, I would say I want to go to an island or beach, lay myself down on the beach and enjoy the natural scene and the sea. Wow, that's what I wanted to do most now! I miss the Redang trip 2 years back where there is only beaches and friends. Sigh, wonder when can I go to enjoy my beach holiday again!

Well, I think I shall stop here and I will update again about my summer holiday! Happy happy everyone!!! Muaksss.....