留学生病记

还记得以前读小学的时候，老师都会叫我们写一篇很普通的记叙文--〉“生病记”。但今天我想写的是“留学生病记”。

话说在我回到英国之后的几天，天气突然变得很冷，仿佛就是一个早来的冬天。那时候我就开始伤风，我还以为是我的鼻子敏感。谁知两个礼拜后，我的喉咙开始痛，而且是痛得彻夜难眠的那一种，然后身体就开始不舒服，往厕所跑了两趟，干么呢？去呕！体温开始上升，也咳嗽了。我就吃了“万病通”--Panadol。 隔天，还跑到药房去买了咳嗽药。以为病情会好转，烧也慢慢退了；怎知在一个晚上突然感觉到身体很热，好像被火烧的感觉。我当时真的觉得很辛苦，又这么巧，我两个室友整个周末都不在，我感到很无助，泪水不停使唤的滑落，最后越哭越惨，已经到了那种泣不成声的地步。小时候写的作文都是什么“妈妈一直在我身边无微不至的照顾我，又褒粥，又定时叫我吃药。。。”现在的我，病了，自己还要煮东西吃，也要提醒自己要按时吃药。这时候，我告诉你我什么地方都不想去，只想回家，只想家人无微不至的照顾我。那一刻，英国的城堡都不算什么，我家才是最美好的城堡！

之后几天病到不能忍受了，固执的我决定去看医生，但这边大学的诊所周末是没有开的，而且看医生还要预约，所以星期一一早就打电话去 make appointment。等医生就等了10 分钟，看医生应该只看了2 分钟。而且猜猜看医生跟我说了些什么？她问我之前都吃了什么药？我就老实对她说咯，她说我做的很对，只要继续这样下去慢慢就会痊愈了，她说我没有发炎，所以不需要吃抗生素，所以她也没有开药给我，只介绍了Aspirin 给我。那好咯，反正我也是一个不喜欢吃药的人。以前总会写“医生给了我一大堆五颜六色的药丸。。。”现在医生是没有给我任何药啦，反之是我，三天两天就往药房跑，买了各种药，尝试了各种民间的治疗方法，都还是无效。

再国外生病，最惨的莫过于不知道要找谁倾诉，每个人说的话都差不多：吃药啦，早睡啦，喝多一点水啦，bla bla bla... 但我只想找个人倾诉我心里的感受，大多数人也只是敷衍我而已，没有怪他们因为我想换作是我也会有同样的反应吧，针不割到肉人是不会痛的。所以很多时候都把眼泪往下吞，哑巴吃黄连，有苦自己知。爸爸说的对，只要自己志强不息，也不必到处摇尾乞怜，更不用去奢望别人会来关心我活、听我发牢骚。为什么要把自己弄得那么可怜博人家同情？反正都是不容易的啦，坚强点，勇敢点，自己去克服心里的障碍。有时候，越显得越软弱，别人约会瞧不起你，觉得你很烦。

好啦，不多说了，我还要做一些功课，然后就寝。发觉自己的华语退步了，花了很长的时间才把整篇文章写完，文笔也退步了。唉！保佑我快点康复吧！

Emo fish

*This is an emotional post, if you are not in a mood to read it, just ignore it, cause it might irritates you* (Tze Lih, 2008)

I am terribly sick, is so suffer. That night, I freaked out because I was so sick, and nobody's at home, it makes me feel worse. I felt so helpless, lonely and tears burst out unintentionally. That was the time when I don't want to go anywhere except HOME! I just wanted to talk to someone, just someone to calm me down. I did call some friends, but most of them are busy with their own things and asked me to rest more, sleep earlier and stay strong. Hey! I know about all these, but I just need someone to talk to, to express what I feel, that's all. But who knows about all these? Apparently not much people know about it and I felt more helpless, non-stop crying. However, there are still friends who care about me, who will do anything just to make me laugh, who will accompany me when I was alone and who will tell me they'll always by myside no matter what happen. (Thx, you all know who you are and specially thanks to muriel to accompany me the whole night in my place!)

Perhaps my sister is right, things will not always appear as what I wish. I can't expect everyone will be there for me everytime right? I can't always depend on people when I was down, right? And I can't expect everyone will care and concern of all the time. Maybe she's right, I shouldn't overlook the problem as it is serious and big, eventually I can overcome it. Many people will ask why was I crying? Many people will scold me crazy because of crying. Laugh at me if you want to, but I am just expressing my emotion, I am just dare and brave enough to face the weak me, the fragile me. Is not like I will collapse there and never move on again after crying. Sometimes we might lost and feel miserable, but eventually we'll find our way.

The world is realistic, it is realistic enough to stop you from having a simple life. But maybe people will say what's the problem for being realistic, I am just doing something to get what I want, it doesn't state in the book that I can't do this and that to achieve what I want right? Who cares? Yeah, it's not wrong, you have the right to go after anything you want, is just I too care of what and how people look/think of me. Whatever things I do, I will think of "if I do this, how people will look at me, will they laugh about me? How will they judge me?" Oh well, some of you are right, I am just thinking too much, think of those consequences which doesn't seem to be important for me to decide a thing. And then now everyone will ask me not to think too much, not to care so much of what people think, the most important thing is how I think about myself. And well, now I am learning not to think too much, not to care, just follow my heart, do anything which I feel like doing. So people who don't understand me, shut you mouth off because whatever I do is NON-OF YOUR BUSINESS!

Just to tell everyone who study/working abroad, sick in oversea is very suffer and you will miss home a lot. So, take good care of yourself and avoid being sick in oversea.

Boring. Random. Life

Well, tomorrow I have only one lecture and it ends my third study week here. Basically, my timetable seems to be very free here, I only have 3 lectures in 3 days with 1only lecture on each day. It's only 50 minutes per lecture, so basically I just have 150 minutes lecture in a week. However, I have plenty of readings, I have plenty of works and deadline to meet :

1. Extended essay
2. Research Project
3. Cognitive Development Essay

Time flies, so it goes my 3rd week in UK. I always wonder why does the time flies? I went to Aunt Sally Restaurant for dinner just now, it reminds me of last year about this time, when Victor down to Sheffield for me. It's one year ago, and sometimes I just couldn't believe I've been here for one year. Life is uncertain, many things happened and many things have changed. I accept the changes, perhaps I know I couldn't change the changed.

And now I learn, it is always better to depend on myself than to depend on others. I used to depend on some people here, and everytime when the person is no more here for me to depend on, I felt lost and sad. Yeah, it is tough when you need to carry and keep everything to yourself, but at least I will not give up on myself and I will not abandon myself. It sounds pathetic, but think of it seriously and from my experiences I know I couldn't 100% rely on other people. My dad always told me that we must “自强不息”so we don't need to be afraid of is there anyone to help me.

And now I am learning not to jealous of anyone, even though I don't have what they have, but I have what I have, I should be grateful cause life would never be perfect. That day was discussing an issue with my friends, we were wondering why we always think that other people's stuff will always better than ours even though we have it too. Lol~ "I think the shirt you bought is nice maybe because it is yours and not mine?" Can someone tell me why sometimes people will feel like that?

Hey, there is a new song from Jay Chou which I think the lyrics are quite meaningful (introduced by Peggy), is called "稻香". I like the lyrics which state something about home is the only castle. Ya, after study abroad, I feel that my home is the nicest castle and it is the most comfortable place. But I wonder why want to use the word "castle" since some castle in UK is quite scary. I am sick here, I feel so helpless last night as I couldn't sleep and the only place I want to be is my home, the place where I always belong to. Sad, though I am trying to be tough, but I just wish someone will take care of me, cause I want to feel the belonginess too.

Forgive me for the long and boring post. Forgive me lah, I am sick and the brain is not functioning well to do my work, that's why I am blogging here. Sick fish signing off here, take care everyone and nice weekend to all!

Random

"Hey, just let everything stop here okay?" This is what I was telling myself. My major weakness: ruminating too much! My inner self likes to tell me "maybe XXXXX....... if XX then what should I do?" But now, I just don't want to make any wild guessing on everything so I should let everything ends. Now, I just don't have the courage to hold on to it anymore. Luckily I don't have a serious mood swing like last time when facing the similar problems. Luckily I didn't cry like last time though there's tears in my eyes. Is this the pathway to make me become a feelingless person? I still feel sad but apparently I am more calm this time. Maybe I am getting immune to the pain, sadness, disappointment and all.

I am so sick of all these, it makes me ill, it brought me down, and it is repeating over again and again. Who are you to influence my mood? And who are you to bring me down? Who are you and you to hurt me over and over again? ---> You're NOBODY. But I still feel sad..... =(

Don't see, don't hear, don't ask, don't care, don't know! Get out of my sight and get out of my heart! I don't deserve all these NEGATIVE FEELINGS!

Days without Internet

Woohoo~ I am impress by myself, I can actually survive without internet in my home for more than one week here, YES HERE, the "quiet and peaceful" SHEFFIELD! So, what could I do without internet at home?! Well, I went to class and most of the time hang out in the city-center till evening. At night, non-stop series marathon to keep me from being homesick! Yeah, I miss my home because even though without internet, I have my family back home!! =(

Now, I just NEED INTERNET CONNECTION!!! I am disconnected from the outside world during this period! Not only that, I have loads of work waiting for me--> research, journals, essays, final year project..... I need INTERNET to do all these! Arghh, I am going to go crazy and mad when I saw the deadlines of all these is so far yet so NEAR! And, I need a part time job to earn some money so I wish I can go back and travel with my family, and meet my "long time no see" brother.

Yeah, I know I desperately need for internet and money, Lol~

I admit I am an internet addict! Yes, I AM! Lol~

I'm back!

I am finally back in UK! And it's been a long time since my last update. Jet-lag is making me feel so tired and exhausted. Unpacking and packing stuff is killing me, I am freaking tired, tired, and tired. Well, the weather now is not bad, kind of sunny, it's rare to have such a beautiful sunny day.

Sigh, I think my body is in UK but my heart and soul still in Malaysia. I just can't really feel everything around me, and I just can't feel my existence here. Well, things are slightly different from last year. Now, I am no more a lost fish in Sheffield who previously don't know anything about here, I don't really need to depend on others. Is a good thing but meanwhile I just feel more lonely compare to last year. It's like not much people I can talk to, it makes me feel there is one thing less in UK. Perhaps I don't have the internet connection now, still need to apply for it. Without internet, my life is so dead, is like losing connection with the outside world. I wish I could get it fast, else I will die of bored here!

Okay, I will update more once I got the internet connection!

My summer should end here

I think my summer break should stop here. No one wants the holiday to end so fast, but seriously I think many things happened during this holiday, I hope everything will come to an end. Now I realize, sometimes knowing much is not a good thing either. There's something which I wish I will not know forever, knowing too much sometimes will make you think you are a fool, a stupid idiot.


Whatever happened these months make me thinks that sometimes people around me are quite scary. I wonder which person is a true friend of mine and which person is just like pretending to be a good person. Now I know, people will not turn to evil reasonless, sometimes life and experiences just push people towards the corner, force to be an evil. Will I become an evil then? I wish I will not, but after so many things, I just need to protect myself so I wouldn't get hurt anymore, forgive me, it's a self-defense mechanism, I need to be selfish sometimes. No worries, I know deep inside my heart, turning into an evil is not easy, but who knows?

I did mention before there's always turning back, but is it for everything? Now I am kind of exhausted, I just don't want to care, whatever happened is already happened, we can't change it. Wound will be cure but scar will always be there. Sometimes it's too late for everything, but I hope everything isn't too late for me! Sometimes being good to others mean being evil/harsh to ourselves. Lastly lastly, you're just the one who being hurt and feel sad. So, why should I bother to treat people good anymore?

Well, this might be an emotional post which is full of anger and disappointment. But, things are so uncertain in our life, I never know what is going to happen next. Mind is blank and heart is empty, guess I need some time to find my way back! Sorry, if you guys find out the dolly here is not the dolly you know (at least for this moment). Bless me!